Breakdown?

Yeah I don’t know why Picked this site but i googled i want to leave and it brought me here. I’m not giving out my name so call me Riku.

I had the worst breakdown today. It was a very hardcore one. I mean I have had some before but nothing has been this bad. I think it was just everything that has happened added up and exploded. I can’t really remember why I started to act this way. No wait forget that I do. my father.

Which by the way I do not want to even say that he is my father. He was never really there for me and my mom. My mom even said that the day they brought me back from the hospital he left me, my brother, and my mom to go somewhere. So my mother who just gave birth to me had to take care of me a new born and my 5 year old brother by herself.

Later on he still wasn’t there and he started to buy me stuff. Like buy whatever you want because I think I can buy your love. Well I’m not going to lie i was little and I picked put all the shit i wanted. Then as i was getting older he started acting different. (or i just started to see the real him) He would yell at my mother. He always told me that I was ignorant and he wondered why I had Friends. Then he would yell and have random outrages to me and my brother.

I think i was in 7th grade when this cave in began. I just felt alone and i started cutting. I told no one. I started to drift from the crowd and I gained a few very close friends. The ones that knew what was wrong with me. The thing is that they never talked to me about it. We would talk about everything else but it.

In high school i started thing about suicide. I’ve done the whole hold breath thing and to see what happens. (failed)

Then I did the try to hang thing (failed)

By this time i was a Jr and I had this awesome ability to hide my feelings.

Sadly i was and am too good at it.

When i broke down and told people they pushed it off. They didn’t even seam to care!

Then my Senior yeah I had a boyfriend..he didn’t help either. I told him or i tried to tell him. He would catch on but he did the whole Sweet voice “why would you do that”  then he would tel me about a friend of his that tried suicide too. In my mind im yelling i don’t give a fuck listen to me! Help ME!!! the help never came.

Then Finally the hardest thing in my life came. I finally broke up with him because I didn’t want to drag him down with me. We could never talk anyway and I would never tell him face to face that i broke up with him because of my insane ass. I told hid sister that i really did love him and i didn’t want to waste his time and to for her not to tell him. That night i broke up with him happened to be my birthday night. I waited until midnight to cut myself.

Finally i got over it (not really) and my insane life went on. Things just started getting worse in my house. The mom who wanted to leave just stoped caring. She never stood up for me. She just let him yell and yell and yell. I started to stay out later and i never wanted to go back there. Then after a while my mom got fed up and we left. After being kind of kicked out by my father we moved. She has started dating and she is really happy. She leaves all the time. She works, or she goes to her boyfriends house, or she stays the night there. She wants me to go and everything its just i don’t like people like any people. I wasn’t going to start hanging out with a new one.

So I’m home alone all the time. I never get to go out. I have no car and no job. My friends don’t talk to me anymore slowly people are slipping away and I’m all alone.

That’s what happened today. I came to the fact that I’m insane because i have more than one personality disorder (i haven’t and refuse to go to the doctor to see) and everything that been happening just came crashing down on me.

I never wanted to leave more than today. I just don’t now what to do anymore.