Why Am I So Ready To Die?

Raymond, you sound exactly like me. I remember driving a few years ago. It was winter with heavy ice and in the country, but on paved roads. I was going 75 for 20 miles around sharp turns that had tons of ice on them – and nothing. I couldn’t believe it. It was like nothing could hurt me, even though I was trying to roll my car. I wanted to die so bad but didn’t want it to be obvious. For whatever reason, my car stayed firm to the road. I’ve never experienced anything like that. I know it wasn’t me who was controlling that car.

It seems so cruel that we go through so much emotional pain, and when it doesn’t seem like anything will ever change, it’s almost impossible to have hope. But Raymond, some day, we never know when, it WILL stop. It WILL change. You WILL find happiness and joy – and it’s usually when you least expect it.

I’ve always hated life and wanted to go home. I have no one here I can talk to (besides my dog). I don’t have a single friend in this whole world. I have nothing. So if you have at least 1 person you can talk to, one friend – that is so much. What I would give to have a friend. But if you have someone who can sit and talk with you, cry with you, just be near you when you feel like this … that is something special. I am isolated so I do not have the opportunity to be with people, but I hope you do. If you have even 1 friend or someone you respect and feel comfortable talking with, please, spend some time with them. Many times we are so close to the situation, it is difficult to see clearly.

Please know that my thoughts are with you and I will pray that joy and happiness will be yours soon