Time’s still ticking and I haven’t still planned anything beyond the most vague of roughs. Lingering doubts still too strong. What an atavistic bore, really. Doesn’t mean I’m really much “better” though. My normal nights of sleep are of about 5 hours these days and still dropping. The ever bloodshot eyes does wonders for my already severe crazy person chic. It takes hours for me to get up in the mornings. Eating has become boring and unenticing and only the most sugary or spicy foods bring any pleasure now. Ugh.
Any of you ever been to Greenland or one of the Scandinavian countries? Any first-hand information I can get on traveling there would be helpful. Thanks.
45 comments
What do you do, if you don’t mind me asking? Like are you a student? Do you work or something? Just wondering, dunno really why.
Huh “Cream Soda” ?
To answer your question: unemployed and soon to be homeless.
Heh, I’m kinda in a similar situation. Not by choice, though.
Er. Never mind that, actually; as of two seconds ago I now have a job. Yay?
Yay.
Is it by choice for you, though, dude?
Not really no. I won’t be able to stretch the money I have left past February so my choices now are homelessness or death.
Sorry to hear that. No chance you’ll ever get a job? Or want to to? Homelessness isn’t so bad, though – the idea of it kind of appeals to me…for a while I thought about leaving everything and going freight hopping around the states. Not sure how I’d go about getting food (stealing, maybe?), but it’s something I seriously considering doing if other shit didn’t work out, hoping I’d gain a new perspective or motivation or something.
It’s been going on for a year now. I still go through the motions and occasionally get interviews but I’m not holding my breath. Given the state of the world, my age and lack of resourcefulness if I fall into homelessness I’m not getting out of it. It’s a brutal choice either way.
Damn, that’s a shit place to be in. Hope things turn around for you, and if not, maybe you’ll consider freight hopping or something…your username leads me to presume you’d choose that first before death, at least, ha. If not, well, it’s your choice, and I hope whatever choice you end up making really is the best one. And only you know that, so, good luck either way.
@the Absurdist sound’s like you are very depressed. (not sleeping or eating)
what country are you from? cause if you live in the U.K. you can go to Citizen’s Advice And they can set you up with a house in Agency.
@Cream Soda Thanks dude.
@Dr d Don’t live in the UK. Thanks anyway.
@ the Absurdist; I can relate. I haven’t worked since May of 2010, and I have zero lifelines in terms of financial support. I did the same thing for 17 years, so I’m not exactly desirable to prospective employers outside of my field. Plus, I owned my own business. It’s difficult being somebody else’s ***** (employee) after being accustomed to being the Big Burrito for so long.
I got a job yesterday. I expect to make roughly 30 cents for every dollar I made before, but whatever. It’s easy to view this as a step backwards, but at this point doing anything that draws an income is better than lurking around this site.
As cliche as it sounds, you can find something. It may not be your 1st choice, but getting out there and distracting yourself with some shitty job that underpays you beats the hell out of stagnating in unemployment hell. Best wishes, you’re not alone.
@lucy4 Thanks, much appreciated 🙂
@ The Absurdist; The Wiki page for “Atavism” has a picture of a human fetus with a tail. Without your post I wouldn’t have been inspired to look up that word. So thank You.
Sure sure. Learn something new everyday and all that.
@absurdist – there are homeless shelters if things get really bad where you can get food and they help you find a job. but like lucy said I’m sure you can find something, you sound like an intelligent articulate person. Why do you want to go to scandanavia? you want info on getting there, or travelling around? I’ve been to all countries in scandanavia except greenland! Back in feb I saw Iceland air were advertising cheap flighs from NYC to reykavik, $400 return. It will cost about another $200 to get to mainland europe/scandanavia. It’s beautiful… but expensive.
@cream soda – there is more than enough food wastage from resturants, supermarkets etc to survive on dumpster diving for food. hare krishnas are also happy to feed the homeless wanderer.
I don’t consider homelessness an acceptable option. I’m already in Europe so the trip itself wouldn’t be that expensive, all things considered money doesn’t matter that much in this instance. I meant to ask about things like lodging and places to go outside the main tourism flow.
Have you heard of couchsurfing.com – it’s a travellers network where travellers offer their couches as a doss space for other travellers. If you’re ok dossing on someone’s couch, it’s a great way to travel because you meet local people who show you local things. But you have to bear in mind it might be more impactical, in terms of…you have to be courteous and fit your schedule around your host, they might live far from city, etc etc. If you think this doesn’t suit you, it’s good to still join the network and ask local people in the countries you want to visit for advice. You can also just meet them for coffee or drinks when you get there.
Sorry I did very touristy things in scandanavia.. highlights were the thermal baths in iceland, the bergan-oslo railway, the munch museaum in oslo, Christiania free state in coppenhagen, and one of the big art galleries in Stockhold has an excellent collection of Paul Maccarthy work.If you’re travelling, technically, you’re not homeless….
@one_day
Considering what I intend to do involving some random people kind enough to welcome strangers in their home would be downright immoral. Oh well. Thanks.
What are you planning to do? If you’re planning to end it, why do you need advice on lodgings etc…?
Budget is nonetheless tight. Ideally when you know you’re going to die you just max out your credit card but sadly I don’t have one.
So why must you go to scandanavia? Struggling to understand your plans…
I wrote about my rough plan here http://suicideproject.org/2011/10/plans/ .
Basically I would enjoy seeing an aurora borealis before I die and those countries have some other practical advantages like not being too expensive to travel to already being in europe (my first option was New Zealand but that’s not within means), nobody knows me there, I don’t know the language and the cold might help.
Well I will be envious if you do manage to see aurora bouerealis!
It sounds like in that post, the whole point of your plan is to corner yourself into a situation whereby suicide is the ONLY solution.. so the fact that you need to push yourself into that situation makes me question if you really want to die. Do you, and if so, why?
Oh but I don’t want to die, the thing is I want the alternative even less so choices must be made. Besides it’s just as well, even though my soon to come homelessness was the catalyst it’s just as well that it came since even before that my life was meaningless, complete with alienation, isolation, heartbreak and the works.
Was it all that bad? wasn’t there any good at all?
Well I hope you see something in scandanavia that reminds you, the world isn’t all a terrible place (and it’s not). BTW where are you from?
There were wonderful times. But they feel irremediably behind me now. If I set foot in scandinavia it will already be too late to turn back, which is the point. Where I’m from is actually a more complicated question that you think. I was born in one place raised and lived most of my time in another but my overall behavior is closer to a 3rd place which is the place my family hails from.
Short answer: France.
I’m the same, born some place, lived/raised some other place, but with ethnicity from a 3rd place. it’s hard, having feet in more than one land.
France is lovely. Whereabouts? (don’t worry, not gonna try to dob you in, just curious because I’ve travelled france a bit)
Just wondering, you say there were wonderful times but they are behind you and so you don’t focus on them. But you are more than happy to focus on the bad things: meaningless, alienation, isolation, heartbreak and the works. Typical depression: focussing on the negative and never the positive. Do you want to try to change your frame of mind?
And however trite it might sound… bon courage?
Not in France right now. I live in Spain. And the good times are behind me. I lost the love of my life around this time last year. My only 2 good friends live in other countries and I’ve been alone in this country for over a year now and about to be homeless. The change of mind necessary to adapt now would be resigning myself to be a homeless wanderer. I would have probably accepted that if I was 50 or thereabouts but I’m only 30 I didn’t want go give up on life so soon.
I am so confused… you say you are 30 so you don’t want to give up on life so soon… but you are forcing yourself into this suicide plan!
Where in Spain? I know it quite well also. And… Granada is a good place to be homeless! I met a bunch of hippies who were living in a cave… the weather is warm so it’s ok sleeping in a cave, and the atmosphere is very relaxed.
It’s difficullt to explain. I was raised to do great things. Everyone, and I mean everyone, even teachers had such great hopes in me. After high school those hopes were progressively, slowly cruelly dashed and I was just a burden for everyone. I could have done it too, you have no idea what a waste of potential I actually am, I even used to be damn handsome. The shame will kill me anyway, my own shame, that of my family and friends. That of my ex, she’s not with me anymore but the girl who loved me would have been so sad and ashamed, it’s not something I can live with. Besides homelessness will also mean loleliness for the rest or my life, I am not resourceful, warm or open person. The only reaction I ever get from strangers is always something between mild indifference or mild discomfort. I wanted to have some friends handy, a girl, live a quiet life. I won’t have that now, I’m not strong enough to accept at 30 I’m already doomed to be alone, I can’t live with my own damn mediocrity.
Seems like an unfair amount of pressure to put on anyone to live up to.
“The only reaction I ever get from strangers is always something between mild indifference or mild discomfort.” – Do you forget that, when building relationships, they take time? This kind of reaction from strangers is normal, because they are strangers! It takes time to get to know people, to earn their trust. Are you putting in the effort as well?
Homelessness does not always mean a lonely life. Usually homeless people (the ones who aren’t mentally ill, anyway) have to work in pairs, at least because it makes things easier/safer.
Also, depends on upbringing etc. but I don’t think 30 is old enough to make any accurate kind of judgement on how your life will pan out. I am 30 this yr also. 30 is a baby. I was thinking of going back to school and changing careers, even! people live until 80 now. 30 is nothing.
Don’t knock the mediocre. You do yourself a disservice by disregarding the majority.
Do you define who you are based on other peoples expectations? Does the opinions of others make who you are or are not? Does it really matter what other people think? Do you honestly give a rats ass about living your life to please random observers who are merely watching you live your life? Who decides what ultimately becomes of your life; you, or a bunch of spectators on the sidelines?
Fuck them. Why do you care about them? It’s your life, start living it already.
I could have done it, I could have done it all while laughing all the way to the bank. I can’t allow myself to become this, so far removed of what she needed me to be. I loved her so much, I was so proud of her and she loved me even though she couldn’t be proud of me, even though I brought her so much sadness and misery through my failings. She would be so ashamed of me, I can’t change this much, especially where there’s nothing but the guarantee of failure and loneliness.
Amusing how my english breaks a little when on the throes of emotion.
Your English is fine, dude. Remember where I said death is a metaphor for change? Maybe you’re at a crossroads in your life where you have to take a turn in the road. Maybe you’ve reached a juncture where you have to go this way or that way. It’s not the end…it’s a new beginning….
Could have, should have, would have. maybes, if and but’s. Not worth thinking about. The only thing she (or anyone) needs from you, is for you to stand on your own two feet, stop trying to make a life for her, start making one for yourself. You change by degrees, it doesn’t happen overnight, so don’t expect it. I’m sure she wouldn’t want you to feel this way.
Tu hablas ingles muy bien. Better than my spanish anyway.
I don’t know. We’ll see what happens. What’s the deal with you two (one_day and lucy4) anyway? Unlike everyone else around here you seem to have it together.
haha ‘got it together’ nah. I got problems, I got depression. It eats me too, but I understand fully what it is, where it comes from, how to keep it under wraps. That’s just from a lifetime of dealing with it. people are rarely who they seem and how they present.
@The Absurdist; Got it together? Hahaha. No. Cursed with the eternal optimistic/ fuck it all gene. (I should’ve been a serial killer).
@lucy, I would trade my genes for yours. But how did you find this site?
@ one_day; I found this site via an intense desire to stop living. I probably won’t do it,though. I’ll just continue on as a loser, unhappy but hopeful….always seeking pastures I’ll never find.
Its like the word Utopia. It’s a perfect place, but it means “nowhere”. Utopia doesn’t exist, but that doesn’t stop people from searching for it.
@lucy: word.
@lucy4
Looks like the Chariot was right then.