I’m done

Dear Roaming Soul, I don’t know how old you are or what exactly your circumstances. I am a mother. I am 44 years old and I lost my 22 year old son Daniel 12/18/2010 to Suicide. There is no such thing as a worthless life and unless you have some horrific suffering Disease or the parent of a child who killed themselves…. You don’t have a reason to kill yourself. Below, a letter I wrote to my son 7 months after he died….
I am sorry that I didn’t tell you “I love you” more. I am sorry that I didn’t push you into conversations about how I could help fix us so that we could have understanding of each other to create a happy life. I wish I hadn’t believed that “He will out grow it” advice from family and friends. I wish you had trusted that you could come to me and tell me something was bothering you, but it was my fault because our relationship was so in turmoil and I couldn’t fix it. Daniel I wish I could bring you back so I could just see you again, talk to you or even spend a day… God I miss you Daniel.

I Cant even imagine how I am going to survive the rest of my life with out you Son. You have been gone for 7 months yet the pain seems to continually get worse, most days I can’t even get out of bed. My guilt is killing me as I constantly ask myself why? and How could I have prevented it? Every night I go to bed intoxicated with sleeping pills thinking about you, and every morning I wake up thinking of you. I freak out when I think that I will never see what you look like as you grow older. I will never be able to lean on you when my life has hit me hard and I’ll never be able to say “Its you and me Daniel” I thought you would always be here.

I visit your urn in your bedroom almost every day. Some days I don’t go into your room because as I pass your door I can almost pretend that you are in there playing on your computer and that none of this really happened. I have pictures on my mirror of you. I honor your memory every day and will for the rest of my life. I love you Daniel then, now, and forever. XO
JUST SO YOU KNOW……. I FOUND DANIELS BODY.
I had to break into my sons room and find him laying in his bed with a plastic trashbag over his head. We ripped off the trash bag trying to save him but it was too late…. He was Gray and cold and hard. He had been gone since the night before we found him. I looked into the eyes of my dead son and I could see he was no longer in there I crawled onto his bed to hold him and sob, I could see the vomit in his mouth that he drowned in while he was trying to die with Helium. His face looked as if he was Gasping for air and shocked look. I will never forget it. Myself my mother father and brother all have PTSD (shell shock) because of what we saw that day. I have not been out of the house in months. I am afraid to leave the last place He was even if for a couple hours. I think about Suicide often….Daniel was my only child. What do I have to live for? Right? Well I am still here 10 months later. Suffer through each torturous day of the rest of my life is how I see my future. I certainly am not telling you to stay alive for your family though it would be nice to hear that you love them enough to stay around but many people don’t feel that way. So I will respect if that is your case. but keep this in mind too…. after your house or wherever you kill yourself becomes a crime scene as police take pictures of you and the room or surrounding areas. they take your body down town to the coroners/medical examiners office where they do a full autopsy. After ruling out foul play they will send your body to the mortuary of your families choice….Where as your family listens to the Mortision explain that he can not make any promises on an open casket viewing because “The Deceased is quite a mess” in his words. After Daniels Funeral we cremated his remains and I have them here. It is all I have left of my son and MY identity forever. SUICIDE????? Hell yeah I have thought about it, considered it, even planned it, but I am still here…….. ARE YOU?