I just found this website and I find some comfort in knowing I’m not alone. I’m a 26 yr old male. My first attempt was over a year ago and honestly, it was amazing. I purposely overdosed on medication. It was a saturday around 2:00 pm. I fell asleep or became unconscious shortly thereafter. At 7:00 pm (I could see my clock from where I was laying) I became conscious again. I knew immediately I wasn’t breathing. I felt paralyzed, but I really didn’t try moving anyways. The first thing that came to my head was a choice: I could either try to breathe, get up, get water or help OR I could close my eyes. I decided to close my eyes. I didn’t need to think about the choice; I knew right away. I closed my eyes and felt the most incredible sense of peace. I wish I had better words to describe it. I don’t remember anything after those feelings and I became conscious again at 10:00 pm on Sunday – about 27 hours later. I really thought that I was dying or dead, but I failed.
I haven’t shared this experience with anyone. I’ve been very indifferent about living since then. I feel like life is a “chose your adventure novel” and I made too many wrong choices and reached the end of the book quickly. I’ve gotten to experience some incredible things in life, but I find, on whole, life only gets worse (not to parody those ads against bullying).
I know I’m crazy, but I’m still sane enough to know I can’t think like a normal happy person. So I’m here to get advice – in my experience life is bad and it feels like every choice makes my life infinitely worse than it was before. How does every other human being deal with this… how do they kept themselves alive… or am I just an unlucky one?
10 comments
As a 30 year old desperately trying to convince himself to commit suicide I unfortunately can’t tell you it gets better with any semblance of a straight face. I can say you’re indeed not alone at least. In fact, we are legion.
I abuse a relatively harmless plant to keep my clock running.
I like this line, it resonates with me: “I know I’m crazy, but I’m still sane enough to know I can’t think like a normal happy person.”
Thanks for sharing your story, it was really well written. I felt my lungs sputtering as I read the bit about your failed breathing. Makes me wanna go have my own experience lol
We are unlucky ones
The Absurdist – thank you for being honest; I had a feeling it doesn’t get better… as much as I keep hoping it will. I always feel alone, I enjoy being alone, but not feeling alone.
tphg – thank you for reading my story. It feels good to share this without the judgement I know I would receive from family and friends. Maybe I need to get a house plant!
Baal Zebub – I just have a feeling that not everyone in life gets to be happy. Like there’s some kind of world limit. And the only thing I can boil it down to is luck…
@absurdist, I’m sorry it didn’t get better for you, but be fair. You’re experiences won’t neccesarily be the same as everyones’. I’m 30 too… now is not great… but the last 2 years were up and down, so you never know.
@vicious, what meds did you OD on?
@one_day it was a combination of vicodin, soma, fioricet, tramadol. I also had a little whiskey.
Right. So you’re not on antidepressants? Have you ever thought of trying them? Because a lot of what you’re talking about sounds like you could have a chemical imbalance. The crazy sane feeling… not normal… so easy for everyone else…
Are you seeing a shrink?
No, I never tried antidepressants. I would love to see a therapist/shrink/psychologist… anyone. Unfortunately, I don’t have health insurance nor the cash to pay outright. I’ve been looking into “free” help, but haven’t found anything yet – but I just started looking. I agree with you completely. I believe my problem is a chemical imbalance. Any advise on finding free help?
What country you live in? If USA… well you’re shit out of luck, they have bad healthcare. In UK and Australia you can see a doctor under NHS/Medicare respectively.
I recomend first talking to a councillor about all this, and also asking if they think meds might be a good idea. In terms of free councillors I’m not sure, but there is someone on this site called ‘psychstudent’ who is always offereing to talk… scroll previous comments and you might find them. There is also someone called ‘Unique’ who makes the same offer. You should also try googling ‘depression hotline’ or ‘suicide hotline’ or something like that, there are many call centres (in most countries), usually a free call, where you can talk to a trained councillor.
Also, there are many psych students who offer their services for free, because it is practice for them. They may not be fully qualified, but better than laymen like us. They usually advertise on sites like craigslist . com in the USA and gumtree . com in UK and australia.
If you go down the meds path, I urge you to research whatever you get carefully. I was recently prescribed Effexor and a quick google showed that withdrawal is very bad from it… almost as bad as smack by the sounds of it. So I am going to see how I go without meds, and if it gets too hard again, I will ask my doctor to prescribe something else and slap him for trying to give me effexor in the first place. I have a previous post on this site called ‘medication info’, you should read it.
Good luck.
I feel the same way. I’m 23 and I have regrets up to my eyeballs. To tell you the truth I think people just deal with it. It’s either your strong or not. Life is a *****. We aren’t strong to put up with the bullshit of life otherwise we wouldn’t be on this site. No one wants to be depressed, but that’s not the case for everyone. It’s sad. It doesnt make us cowards, because it’s not easy to go through wih suicide. Anyone who says it is doesn’t know really what it takes to do that. I just hope everyone can pull through. On my side, I’ve had my fill of life for one life time.