Not even sadness.

First post here. Just needed to get some stuff off, its long so be forewarned. Here goes. Im 14. Ive been depressed for 3 years, but for the last 9 months of last year, i actually inched towards what will be the closest ill ever get to measly “happiness”. Now the following paragraphs are not simply angsty teen broken heart cliches, as they may seem, but are true heartfelt confessions of a lonely boy. It all started with a girl i met 3 years ago. (already some people wilk have stopped reading). But from that exact moment on, we were lovers, and i knew i wanted to be with her all my life, though a little young for such thoughts, never too young for true love it seems. Sonetimes we went out places. Every once a month or so. Pathetic i know, but you dont know the persuasion i have to endeavour to do just to let my parents allow me to go to my NEXT DOOR NEIGHBORS house, while most of my friends went to the movies at the weekend, i sit at home not allowed to. They ask me to come, i lie. I make excuses, i dont even try to persuade my parents to let me go. But wuth her, i couldnt bear to spend so long without seeing her face. So even if i went thtough overprotective parents hell for it (not figuratively), i would try and go by whatever means. Now this girl, she
was all. I used to spend ALL of the tiny money i used to get a week on presents for her, every last pence. And all the time i knew. Then she told me. At the start of those 9 months she told me. She liked me too. And i couldnt believe her, no one liked me, certainly not her. But i went along with it. And dont regret a moment. We were in love. I kept putting it off, but i had to do it eventually. Then she went out with another boy. I was glad. I wanted what made her happy, not what made me happy. But one fine day we were chatting on the infamous facebook, and suddenly she broke up with him. And so i did it, 9 months after she told me she liked me, i asked her out. I knew it was too good to be true. But i wasnt just some guy from the movies she could just say no to. So i persisted. In vain, all in vain. We stopped talking after that. But the strange thing is, my depression started a week after i met her, not when she dumped me. And thats because secretly i knew. I DIDNT want her to be with me. Because shed never be happy with me. I wasnt her “dream boy”. I wasnt who she wanted in reality. And what pains me is that for about 9 months, i WAS who she wanted, i couldve had her. But i blew it. The only keeping me going is knowing that she is the happiest shell ever be because im not in her life. I never was, and i never planned on it. Its two