Why do you want to die?

I am screaming into the void, this abyss of nothing that I am forever imprisoned in. I am just venting my frustration at not being able to do what I know that I need and want to do for myself, to end this futile and pointless existence. It is my page. 😀

I am venting my frustration of being forced to carry on a “life” that never was, never was, and was never meant to be. By a cruel and sadistic God, if there is one. An omniscient and omnipotent entity that would create beings of higher thought and place them on a plane of existence that is dominated by only thoughtless and irrational instincts. Instincts which run contrary to one’s own thoughts. I know that I should be dead. I know that I don’t belong here. I know that I have no desire for anything of this world. I know that everything that glittered was fool’s gold. I know that every person is a demon waiting to destroy and torture your soul.

I am railing against the ridiculous impulse of humans to struggle, suffer, and endure for no reason, objective, or reward. We instinctively, and irrationally, “live” when “life” is nothing but a sadistic game for the amusement of a sadistic Creator. If I am a reflection of any part of something bigger, a God, that God is hideous and evil. God may be omniscient and if so he/she/it is pure evil. If God is omnipotent…same, pure evil. No matter what it is, it is not loving in any way whatsoever. It creates only to watch it suffer.

Now this may be hell. And that would make everything logical. We are here to suffer, so this world being completely suited to torturing creatures, is a perfect setting made by its Creator. Fine. I can buy that.

However, whatever I did on another plane of existence, I do not deserve my sentence that I am serving here. It is impossible that I could have done anything so horrible or evil as to justify being trapped in this universe between my ears and this stinking cage of flesh.

I am reaching out into the wilderness of my fellow victims of this “God”, “nature”, or whatever. I am reaching out to anyone who might not be hypnotized be the delusions that humans use to “rationalize” their futile, pointless, and agonizing existence. I am reaching out to see if there are any out there that realize that everything is a lie, a hoax, a fraud, an evil deception. Searching for those who may see the truth of this pathetic existence and who don’t just walk along the chutes in this slaughterhouse singing about how happy they are to be victims. Someone who sees that there is nothing to see, nothing to be, no reality.

Humanity is a perversion of “life”. An anomaly, a mistake, a disgusting exhibit of a sad inevitability on a probability curve of evolution. One that will not last long, should not have lasted this long for that matter. How ill-suited we are to be confined to a world of restrictions, limitations, and false identities while are minds are limitless, infinite, generators of immense creation and freedom. It is like birds trapped in a plane of existence where gravity is too great for them to overcome. We have wings, but are trapped in a world where we cannot fly. We are a perverse and sick creation with the ability only to suffer in this world. We are creatures with minds trapped in a world where no mind is needed. Like we were granted higher thought only to be able to understand that are existence is pointless. Disturbing, sad, and horrifying.

Doesn’t matter. My mind does not work anymore. It has been destroyed by years of blinding internal storms of unspeakable and unbearable chaos of anger, pain, and apathy at the plight of being seemingly trapped forever in nothingness. If I could form a complete sentence I could attempt to convey a meaning to you. But my meaning and your meaning could never possibly be the same. Your meaning is yours and my meaning is mine and the two can never be the same. Your universe is yours, and I hope it serves you well and brings you what the humans call “happiness”, “pleasure”, or whatever. My universe is mine, it is dark, it is empty, and there is nothing left to see.
I just want to move on. 😀 (I don’t know if you follow much 🙂 ) I want so badly just to move on in a real, meaningful, and significant way. That kind of moving on requires not being trapped in this stifling, trivial, and mundane farce of human existence.

My problem is not that I want to die. My problem is not that I am afraid to die. My problem is that this sadistic “instinct” to survive keeps me here against my better judgement. I am filled with fear of additional pain. How ridiculous it sounds, and is, given that I am fully aware that there is endless and infinite pain awaiting me in every eternal moment in this hell. Yet my “instinct” always say “NOOOOO!” it will hurt for a few seconds. Totally illogical and cruel.

So, I was just throwing out there that if there were anyone even slightly enlightened, compassionate, or merely slightly rational, in this so called “society”, “culture”, cesspool really, there would be a way for someone such as myself to simply exit with a little f’ing dignity and peace. It is my existence and I do not want it. Why is there no place for a human who realizes what he/she is doing to simply and peacefully end their existence if they choose to do so? I propose it is because humans are basically sadistic creatures just like the God that created them. It is just a theory. 😀

But either way, this disgusting world forces those who perpetually suffer to have to be reduced to false starts, stops, fantasies, failed attempts, suicide-by-cop, whatever, instead of just providing a humane (:)) way to exit this place in a peaceful, painless, and dignified way of their choosing. Why do you suppose that is? What does the world gain by forcing existence upon those who do not want it? Do we humans keep humans prisoners? Are our lives not our lives?

So that is why you see the “if I only were a dog” theme here lately. Because it points out the absurdity of a so-called compassionate “society” such as ours. We cannot bear to watch a dog suffer, and we will feel good to put it out of its misery. We know after all, that we have spared the poor creature much suffering. We know that it was the right thing to do. We would consider ourselves monsters to sit there and watch the animal suffer endlessly and continually for far too long, far, far too long without putting it down to stop its pain.

BUT WHEN IT IS ANOTHER HUMAN>>>>>LOL

The we all sit around and stare at the twitching, mangled, and bleeding soul. We all sing and dance around that creature as if it should just join in the fun, or could. We point, shake our heads, and some laugh at the horribly suffering creature. But not one, no where, not any of these “decent”, “compassionate”, “loving” individuals anywhere will offer the terminally suffering human a merciful end to its agony. We keep them around to make us feel better about our miserable lives. We say that it is their fault. We say that we can “fix” them. We say that we will drug them into believing the delusions that we “all” believe in.

Where is the merciful end for the suffering creature that can never “live” without being in agony?

SOOOOOO, “IF ONLY I WERE A FUCKING DOG!!!!” I could be helped. Could I be rescued from this horrible plane of existence. Could I be freed from this cage of flesh. Could I be spared this nothingness, this sham, this fraud, this delusion, this sick and disgusting world.

Sorry, I felt like rambling a bit….now back to the pretty plastic boxes, the prescriptions to promote delusions, the lies that we all believe, the stupid costumes we wear only because others wear them, the acting like others are acting when no one is acting like themselves, like what really exists in their internal universes because they cannot bear to be real in an unreal world.