It’s been awhile since I’ve been on this site.
Man, just when you think life gets better, it doesn’t.
From what I’m told I’m moving and ironically it’s in the same place my ex lives -.- don’t remember if I’ve mentioned that already in one of my older posts but w.e
I’m 16 and I remember when I was in grade 6 I remember promising myself that I would never drink until I was 18, never smoke, do drugs or even have sex until marriage, all I have to say is Ha!
I’m currently trying to buy a pack of cigs, tried weed and used a bong, never had sex but a lot of my friends already think that I’m lying about being a virgin (Funny thing is I still am) and I already drink.
Funny how things change huh.
I guess that people already have a perfect version of themselves and their lives that along the way they just decide to say fuck it. Then someday karma just decides to slap them in the face for all the times they have said fuck it.
And that’s were I am now. This year, 11th grade, I promised myself I would try to do better in school, but I have so much going on at home that it’s hard to focus at school.
I mean with the move, my boyfriend getting bullied and his brother dying in the hospital, multiple and varied blackmail attemps (towards me) and so much more, like how the hell am I suppose to focus?
I guess that I’ve been looking in the mirror for too long and realized that my soul is trapped on the other side?
As crazy as it may sound that’s what I think. Isn’t that what people say about mirrors anyways?
“A mirror is a reflection of the human’s soul and reveals all your deepest secrets and fears.”
So now here I am, unsure about pretty much everything not knowing what to do now and what lies ahead of me.
I’ve made tons of dumb school related decisions in my life that I’m now positive I’m gonna be living in the streets, because I “didn’t give a fuck.” Failed math for the past 2 years cuz I don’t understand squat and now music and Coop. (Ironic thing is that I love music but also don’t know how to read notes cuz I was never taught how to.)
If it were up to me, I would have just posted one post on this site saying: “I’m done, I quit, need suicide methods, perferably quick and painless.” But I can’t not with my brother, family and boyfriend.
I guess what I’m trying to figure out now is why is some little P.O.S like me so important that I get to live a life when so many other’s don’t get the chance or many lose that chance.
Yours Optimistically;
Becca
5 comments
You have a very poetic soul.
that was you being optimistic? So I take it moving near your ex is a bad thing? drinking, smoking, weed eh who cares they won’t kill you at least not right away and doesn’t sound like any of that is what is causing you to do badly in school. Sounds like you are failing a lot at school maybe working towards a GED would be a better option many people find that to be easier. Once you have that you could try some classes at a community college or maybe a vocational training program. Should even be able to get some money from the govt to help with paying for it if you are low income or special needs or whatever.
multiple and varied blackmail attempts wtf are you doing that people are trying to blackmail you over.
seems like you are stressing alot over school, and your bad choices but its not to late to fix that even in junior year, maybe you could find someone to tutor you on math?
As far as what makes you important or whatever, you don’t have to prove your importance to anyone. Sucks like you say some people never get a chance, but that isn’t anything you caused or anything you should feel guilty about. If you want to talk about people that might not deserve to be here, I would start with anyone that would try to blackmail a suicidal 16 year old, or the kind of people that bully your boyfriend just because they can. What makes those people so important that they can hurt others just for their own amusement?
I see your points. And to be honest all the people black mailing me are all my ex-best friends, I have done nothing to them but they decide since im not longer paying attention to them that they can spread rumors that im pregnant and blackmail me. Moving near my ex is a bad thing because he’s violent and I’d rather not get caught up in that drama again. I have tried tutors but the ones I had (even professional tutors) told my parents I was too retarted to understand the concepts they’re trying help me with. So yeah I’m stressed about a lot of stuff but I’m just venting, I appreciate the help? and thx rr184189
retarded really? Well judging from your writing, you certainly don’t sound retarded. . Maybe for what ever reason the tutors just didn’t put much effort into helping you? I don’t see any reason you shouldn’t be able to get through enough math to get a diploma at least. Not sure how much is really required these days its been quite a bit of time since I was in high school. So are you at least moving far enough away from the people starting the rumors that they might leave you alone now?
Becca, I was kinda touched by this post and it shows a level of maturity that is rare for a 16 year old. Don’t beat yourself up too much about the smoking and drinking… it’s not great, but it’s not terrible either.
Interesting you talking about looking into the mirror… have you heard of Lacan’s theories on ‘The mirror stage’? Basically, it’s the stage in an infant’s life when they start to recognise themselves in the mirror at around 6 months old. Basically, it’s the point where the infant becomes self aware, and they also become aware of how other’s percieve them. It this point, the infant realises how truly seperate from the mother and society they are, it’s a critical stage in self-development. You talking about looking into the mirror, for some reason gave me an image of a teenager kind of going through a second mirror stage, plaged with self doubt about how other people percieve them, who you are as a person, etc etc. Are, maybe this is boring to you, sorry just rambling.
And if you want to read music it’s easy… the staff is made up of 5 horizontal lines, right? The way to remember how to read the music is, remember the phrase ‘Every Good Boy Deserves Fruit’. Starting from the bottom line, that line is E. Moving up, G, then B, D, F. Every Good Boy Deserves Fruit. And the spaces in between the lines spell FACE. So the space between the E and G lines is F, the space between the G and B lines is A, etc.
Anyway, sounds like home is really getting in the way of your studies… wanna talk about what’s going on at home?