For years, I have strove for happiness. Yet life has always gone out of its way to make everything impossible for me. I am poor, unattractive, and unlovable. I go to college, yet I do not strive in any of my classes, and it is starting to become difficult to focus on any homework. I know some people at school, yet most of them are just aqcuaintances and they only reach out to me if they need someone to do them a favor, because everyone knows that I never say no.
I’ve tried so hard to make friends, yet all of my attempts have been fruitless-I come across either as some weirdo who is trying too hard or a boring bozo who isn’t worth sharing the same atmosphere with.
And so on Saturday nights such as this one, I just spend the entire night in my room, alone. While everyone else my age gets to have fun, it seems.
I am so sick of feeling worthless. It makes me so sad, that I don’t even think I can write anymore. No matter what I do, I get to witness happiness flock to everyone else, except me, and I am just left so sit miserable and alone. Please don’t tell me “it gets better”-I have been feeling suicidal since I was 12, and I am 20 now. Clearly, “it” does not get “better”. No, “getting involved” won’t help either-I am a part of so many clubs, and I try to go to as any social functions as possible, yet it changes nothing. I am also seeing a counselor, yet that just is not helping either…
All the normal tips that work for other people just don’t change anything about me or my life…I am really starting to think I am just a lost cause. A stupid lost cause that will never get to be happy.
3 comments
For me I have always felt alone. Really very only a few moment of my childhood and those moments were of being alone. I’m 38 years old now and 16 years ago married someone that I thought would end my lonliness. It didn’t work out that way. Some of us are just the way we are. For me, I need someone just to push their way into my life and show that they care. But I have built my life with so many walls that it’s gonna be hard if someone actually tries that. There is really nothing you can do because you have tired. You just have to wait and see what life is going to deal you. I live with that every day. It’s not fun but that’s how it is for me atleast.
A friend of mine was the same. He never had a single friend. He put an ad in the community section of http://www.gumtree.com (the UK and Aust versions of Craigslist), recommending a depression group meetup. That is how we met. I’m sure there are some social groups focused around bi polar and depression.
I like yore username…
Weary…. Unique…..