I have set a goal date for my exit-I dont want to share it at this time-but its the anniversary of something meaningful only to me. I would like to try to hang on for that date,but as life looks bleaker,may not be able to.
The other day i was thinking about my decision,and all of the sudden, I felt this sense of calm-almost euphoria-come over me. Its like someone was saying,”It’s OK. You dont have to be here anymore.”
(No,I wasn’t hearing REAL voices-not schitzophrenic:)
But has anyone else felt this way?? I try to envision the future,alive,but each day brings more and more pain,rejection,and ridicule.It makes sense that the thought of staying brings me pain,and that ending the pain would be a relief…but its odd that I would feel such a sense of happiness to go. i dont care if I end up in “hell,” purgatory,heaven,or just blank nonexistence. I am just happy not to breathe anymore.
My two cents for today.
3 comments
I;ve only felt it was ok (meaning I was at peace with the thought) one time. It in 1997, I had this sense that it was the right thing fore a personal reason. I did the ole hosepipe from the car exhuast thing.
My neighbor heard the car running late at night in the garage and called 9/11.
I knew afterwards that I was really under alot of pressure ie; divorce, …… and taking a anti depressant that may have played a role.
As with all I respond too, please consider this carefully, explore all other options.
We all understand the things that can bring us to the point where we make the unltimate choice.
Sunbird, I have felt that way recently. I thought I will give myself until the end of 2012, take one last vacation and not return. Maybe give myself some time to change my mind. But I don’t think I will make it to my date either. I still go to work everyday, make plans….go to weddings baby showers and spend time with my family cuz if I don’t they will know. My recovery from my deep depression has been several years, they got their Lany back but I can tell in the back of their mind they are afraid. I just can’t keep fighting. I am really tired.
I felt this way at one time. I think the feeling comes from knowing that suicide is an option if it is absolutely necessary. My life has been changed since I first felt suicidal knowing that I can end my suffering at any time. There is something I’ve seen around the Internet and I really liked it. “You can always kill yourself later.”