I really don’t want to ruin anyones holiday, or uture holidays, yet the time is near and I can;t determine when. All I know is when the pain exceededs the will to bear it the ned will be at hand.
I have 2 methods, niether of which I want to use, a third didn’t materialize, can’t trust “Real” druggies to get what you wnat when you want it.
The wrecked lives I will leave, these lives are wrecked either way. If I stay, those lives are wrecked by many years of me being incarcerated, at my age I will probably die inside without ever seeing the free world again, not to mention the horror’s of what life in a pemitentary is like. Violence, rape, and out right murders.
So the family will just have to ajust their mind to a higher level of acceptance of my last free act of self will.
I asked my son, If he would want me to take the chance of 25 to life and endure the prison. Of course he hasn’t responded, he wnats his father alive, yet what he wants is what we had, a relationship, being able to visit each other, go fishing. He hasn’t wrapped his mind around, me alive behind prison walls, being raped and beaten etc.
He can’t have it both ways, niether can my son is 27, I have a daughter that will be 12 this spring, she will have a totally diffferent result, hse will think daddy didn’t love her, I do. Yet if I were to ever get out, I would be well past 75 yeras old. Better for her to just deall with it know and even block out all memmories of me. I don’t there are 5 photos of me as an adult, so she wouldn’t remember what I looked like in a few years anyway.
1 comment
I feel for you….but do you love your children?
I am assuming you do. Facing a life sentence in prison is something I can’t imagine.
Giving your 12 year old daughter a life sentence of pain because you took your life, I do understand. I dont know what you did to deserve this and frankly I don’t care.
I am a daddy’s girl, even though he has never really been in my life, just a phone conversation once a year on my birthday…sometimes. But he says he loves me and I believe him. Now the pain of losing my boyfriend Jan 12 of this year to suicide, I don’t wish that pain on anyone let alone a 12 year old girl losing her daddy to suicide. I have a brother who is incarcerated and has been in a max-security for almost 10 years now. There are still communication and visits that you can still be a daddy to your little girl.