This is my first time posting on this site though I have read it a bit before.
I’m 18 and have had a pretty shitty past 3 years. For the first two I was depressed and suicidal before it apparently turned to anxiety last year (or so I’m told be my doctors). I’ve been pushed around to 10 different therapists and doctors within this time. I miss those for to years more than anything. When I was depressed I was able to function – although like a zombie – and though resolute on wanting to die did not feel much of anything else. It was a dark sense of calm. Now, with this STUPID anxiety I feel like my skin is crawling 24/7 and I can barely breathe. I become randomly hysterical on top of that (something carried over from the depression). I’m terrified of everything and cannot focus or accomplish anything. I don’t remember being truly happy but I wish with all my heart that my depression would comeback so I could finally end it and kill myself. This anxiety creates some sort of fight that refuses to let me die. All I can do is cut myself, slicing down my wrists with my exacto knife again and again hoping my will to go deeper will come back and replace this paralyzing skin crawling feeling of uselessness. I hate myself for all of this. I’m from a well off middle class family (my parents are even paying for my university right now), I play sports, travel and have a couple good friends. Up until the anxiety hit I even got good grades. I have no right to feel this way when people with so much less can pull through. I’m weak and pathetic. I wish this paralyzing feeling would just GO THE FUCK AWAY so I can finally die in peace. I don’t understand why people don’t hate me as much as I hate me. I wish they did so someone would just come up and beat me, kicking the shit out of me, making me feel as useless and disgusting as I know I am. I want them to make me die a slow and painful death. Especially because I no longer have the strength to do it myself.
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That’s a lot to say there missy :c
Yes. I too am trapped by crippling anxiety. I am afraid of everything and everyone. I too wish someone could hate me as much as I hate myself and get this over with.
Hmmm… You’ve probably heard this millions of times, but it’s not your fault.
I’m sorry to hear whats been going on in your life. There’s only one way to see if you can handle it any more. And thats by smiling. Look in a mirror and smile. If you can do it you can live and if you can’t get off your backside and look up some real help. You can’t feel relief that you’re longing for when your dead- and who knows you might even feel worse. Wouldn’t you rather put up with a chance of getting better than being trapped forever? I’m guessing your parents know about this so im sure you’ll be able to get a professional psychiatrist. It might cost a bit but it is worth it. I’ve had 10 years of depression after going through hell and back. I’ve been cure even though yours is severe it can be cured. And then you can feel the relief your looking for.
Take care
When you realize you’re adding to your own torture and turn your thoughts, feelings, words and deeds in service of yourself…”Nothing is more important than that I (you) feel good” Even if you go from despair to anger to rage to hope….always look for a better thought, in that way you will attract more of the same feelings….(law of attraction)…it’s all you need to understand. Knowing this you can take control of your experience. It’s your choice to slam yourself, think you have to be and do for others or live and think for yourself. That’s good selfishness….otherwise you continue the same way…that’s the definition of insanity…doing the same thing, expecting a different result. Been there done all this…no need to be boring, get creative. Good luck. pauld891@gmail.com Msg me if you are serious about allowing yourself find out who you really are. Cheers!
@jv – I didn’t know other peoples anxiety makes them feel this way. I’m sorry you do but I’m glad I’m not alone.
@koolkitt3n – When I smile (which I do often when I’m around people so they won’t see how messed up I am) I feel like I’m going to shatter into a million pieces. Also, I’m atheist so I know I won’t feel anything once I’m dead. It might not achieve happiness but I don’t rememer what thats like anyway so who cares. Yes, My parents know. They are the ones that keep sending me to different therapists. (fun fact- its not expensive, with canadian health care its free) I don’t find therapist work. The best they’ve done is help me know how to go to sleep when I get upset – and I dont think they meant to. However, thank you for your optimism and I hope someine can prove you right (though I’m pestimistic)
I myself am in a very similar situation, I’m in college have pretty much anything I could want though have severe depression. hell I’m on the pre-med route. I don’t know but this happens to all of us… I mean I have my note already written and keep going back and forth, I guess cuase everything is going for us at the moment by what most people consider as were in college Im going to keep holding off. I never know how fast our situations will change. Cling onto and try to keep close to your friends, that’s something Ive lost and haven’t had and they are a support group that will be there for you and are the best thing for anxiety, people you can trust.
I am also a basic pessimist.
However, for a pessimist, I’m pretty optimistic.
Try reading a bunch of those happy stupid kid books.
Then marvel at the stupidity and the naive-ness of children.
This could possibly help.
Im two years younger than you (16) and my life hasn’t been pretty to say at least. I doubt theres anything that hasn’t happened to me and my fatal flaw being that i can never move on. I’ve had 2 years of the zombie and 7 years of depression- no help- and i can say that im getting better. A few weeks ago i came to smile and mean it as well The reason why i asked you to smile is to see if you could. It depends what you want to do. If you want to get better if you want to smile again then you would have to try you will have to make yourself want to smile. Want to live. I’ve suffered the worsts of depression and im to a reasonable state. I’ll agree with you there shrinks dont help much- they do however help you open up.
So first things first i want you to throw yourself in work. I don’t want you to have a spare moment in your life. Learn something new learn the guitair, piano. Do some gardening. I personally found and still find charity work useful. The things you are doing are good but you need more. You need to keep yourself distracted and at the same time you need to feel a different emotion. Thats why reading childrens books as someone suggested is a good idea. Any chance you can tell me what subjects you do in University? I could have some good ideas depending on your likes.
The one thing you need to avoid is going on the computer. Not all the time. Depression can get worse on the computer. And don’t you want to live again to breath again to smile. I know i do. So avoid things like painkillers and stuff as they make you feel worse and unless you live in a secure area THROW sleeping drugs away. You have an oppurtunity know to make things better. Why wait till when you will regret it?
Take Care
Katx