I don’t want to be alive.

I’m seventeen years old and wanting desperately to die. I’ve been depressed and suicidal since I was twelve, and it continually gets worse as the years go by. My depression is now at its peak and I can no longer put up with it. I feel like I’m the saddest, loneliest person in the world. I’m in so much pain. Every little thing reminds me of my ex-boyfriend, whom I broke up with four months ago. I still need to get rid of things, I still need to scratch out the things he wrote on my wall. And no, he’s not the only reason I’m depressed, but he most definitely makes it a lot worse. I don’t know what the reason is. I’m so fucked. I’m never going to get better, I’ve known this for as long as I can remember. Happiness is something I lost so long ago and I’ll never find it again. It wandered off one night, while I was still just a kid, and I barely understood. I barely grasped the concept of what was going on, why I was becoming this way. And I still barely understand. I’m disgusted and disoriented. Hateful and depressed. I feel so hopeless and fucked up, it’s constantly getting worse. Nothing good comes out of being alive. Everything we work so hard for, everything we achieve, all goes to waste in the end. We lose people, get our hearts broken, and go through mass amounts of sadness and pain. I feel like life is just a sick and cruel game. I feel like sadness is my default emotion and I’ve been feeling this way for years. I feel trapped. I really don’t want to be here, but I don’t want to hurt the ones who love me and have been there for me my whole life. I can’t wrap my head around death, I don’t want my parents to leave me. The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. Am I just a weak person? Why am I constantly thinking about all of these things? I try to talk to my friends, but they say stupid things like “do drugs”. I feel like nobody cares and it hurts. I wish I had friends who genuinely cared, who I could talk to. I mean, I’ve known these friends for years, but they can’t take me seriously when I tell them about my depression. It sucks. But I guess I understand, I’m not great with advice either. Those who tell me it’s just a phase obviously don’t understand, because this constant feeling of pain and misery (which has been going on for almost six years now) is not a phase. Those who think I say I’m depressed for the attention, I don’t even want to talk about those ignorant people. I sincerely wish I wasn’t burdened with such a thing as depression and I would never use it to get attention, attention is the last thing I’d ever want. And those who tell me to “get over it” and tell me not to kill myself, with no further reasoning, don’t understand either. Some people really don’t know how much pain depression causes. I feel so ugly too. It makes me sad that my ex-boyfriend was attracted to everything that is the opposite of me (big boobs, blonde hair), even though he always said he wasn’t. I understand that people are attracted to others, but he was attracted to a whole different kind of others. I feel like a little boy compared to what he’s actually into and it’s depressing. That’s the least of my problems though. I can’t believe he cheated on me a month into our relationship, and he tells me after we’ve broken up, over a year later. It’s fucked. I am no longer able to trust anyone. I feel like all men are the same because it really seems that way. It’s so crazy how you could be so close and in love with somebody, then one day they leave your life forever, never to be seen again. Literally. He lives in Canada and I am almost positive that I will never see him again. It’s mind-boggling how people come and go just like that, as if they never meant a single thing. Yet those memories stay forever and haunt you every day. I really don’t want to be alive, I don’t know what to do. My most said phrase is “I want to die,” it’s pretty depressing. I could barely even cry anymore, that’s the point of sadness that I’m at. I’m just depressed and semi-dead feeling, wishing I was actually dead. I don’t want to take pills to make me “happy,” I don’t want to be a robot. I wish I could genuinely be happy, but that’s impossible for me. Nothing makes me happy anymore. Happiness is so temporary compared to sadness, sadness stays forever. I hate time and how fast it goes by. I also hate change. So much can change in such a small amount of time, it depresses me so much. I can’t believe how much people could change, life is too ridiculous for me. I hate myself. I’m a waste of space. I’m not good at anything. Everything sucks. I feel like I’ve been typing for a good amount of time, yet this barely explains my feelings. It’s hard to explain. I don’t know why I have to be this sad all the time, I truly wish I wasn’t. I’ll never understand. All I know is that I could no longer live with such pain. I’ve become hopeless and everything has turned into sadness. I could no longer do this, I need a way out. All I want now is the easiest, least painful, and cheapest way to go. I need to gather up the courage and just do it. Those who say that committing suicide is “cowardly” should really rethink that statement. It takes a lot of courage to commit suicide, it’s a huge decision to make. I need to make this decision as soon as possible.