i feel lonely and useless

i feel like i cant help no one not even myself, today me and my sister tried to go see my mom whose pretty far away well me and her are still young we can drive except we dont have a car and the thing that happened was that i cant help but think about what my sister has said many times over and over again….. im dont do anything to help her with struggles and stuff that has happened over the last summer, before summer started a week before school ended my mother was deported … i didnt feel sad or mad and i hated myself for it i also hated the way that i even told my sister and mom… i feel like my mother still remembers what i said and i hate myself for being so demented from my head i cant belive she still loves me for what i did to her. the last few months that have passed have passed like i was emontionless i hate myself for alot of thing being lazy being stupid not giving A DAMM ABOUT ANYTHING now i just had my fair share about thinking of killing myself but the thing is im scared of it just posting this right now might just be enough to calm my soul…. this brings me to another topic my religion my mother is live pretty devoted to her religion… the seventhday advantist church i got to say this cuz well i have to bring in what i belive of religion like how somethimes think makes sense…. that was pretty much it…. my other concerns of life is that everyone thinks im gay which im not and i just want to say this cuz since i was little i was always called a fag gay or gaylord…. it kinda stop well thats cuz im big i guess but so many things in my mind are still roaming my mind mostly about how lonely i am and how things are always misunderstood about me also how useless i am and cant to shit about anything i just wish i could get some motivation for something but i dont know how?