I don’t know what i’m doing. I’m just so lost. I never thought that i would be doing this now, but i feel like i need to talk to somebody. Anybody. Then i stumbled upon this site and said “well, why not?” so here i am. Searching to vent without judgement.
To start i suppose i’ve always been like this. Things are getting worst though. I don’t think i will ever actually kill myself but the thoughts are beginning to become more and more severe. Since i was young(er) i’ve always been sad. Never felt like i could meet to everybody’s standards, or reach everyones expectations of me. Just smiling as a mask. This past year has been hell. My highschool sweetheart cheated on me (supposedly once) with my best friend when i was gone for bootcamp when i enlisted in the military so i can take care of us. Still, my love for her was true so i seeked the help of God and said if God can forgive then so can i. Later, we married. Now i’m stationed overseas and she is coming in about 3 weeks. The thing is, the past year we’ve seen eachother 1 month and half. Spent 4 days has husband and wife together. Now she is also enlisted and is in the states. She has been so distant with me and now is spending a lot of time with other men. One in paticular. He has her facebook password, has been talking to her mother, and posted a comment saying that she blew into his ear. She hasn’t spoken to me in days and all of sudden, thats what i see. How am i suppose to feel about that? She finally aswered me saying hes just a friend and she’ll call me later, not now. Thats just one thing.
The thought of suicide has been in my head since i was very young. I am just now admitting that yes, i am suicidal. However, when i sit and pondor upon my thoughts, i really doubt i will ever kill myself. I feel like i lost everything, so why keep moving forward? I’m scared to see what is up the road ahead for my wife and i. I’m also afraid of the road i’m on for myself. If i could, i just want to sleep, and just not ever wake up.
3 comments
I feel you man. Trust is a very hard thing to deal with. I had cheated on my wife in the past and she had her own issues too. We are now about to be divorced because she hooked up with a guy and left me almost a year ago. This all happened because of facebook. God I hate that site. I too have been sad since I was a kid and never really felt that I quite fit in. I always tried to do anything I could for anyone else to, I guess, make them accept me, or owe me. I don’t know. I can not see a future anymore for me. I want one with my wife but that’s over. I am suicidal though so I know that eventually I won’t feel the hurt, won’t wonder anymore. If you haven’t talked to anyone you really should. I wouldn’t talk to a friend or relative, but someone that really isn’t involved in your life. That way they won’t be able to have any previous thoughts about you or what’s going on with you and your wife. Best of luck to you.
Stepping out of bounds of a marriage happens, …….. I suspect alot in military situations. It could still work out, and then again maybe not.
Hope things work out for you.
It’s great that you are becoming aware of your mental state. That means you can try to fix it. Are you happy in the military? Because it’s very stressful and I wonder if it’s good for you right now. Likewise, are you happy in your part time marriage? Maybe you need time off to sort yourself out.