still here but not sure for how long

Hi All

still alive but still empty inside dont know how long though. mum just told me dat one of our neighbours daughter dead yesterday and i wish it was me who died. boyfriend is talking to me again i quess dat means dat he still cares for me. yep he definately marriage material. we have spoken about getting married before but after all dis shit dont think we’ll get there. he is truly amazing not perfect of course as we all have flaws but he is the one.

always there when u need him and makes sure dat i’m taken care off. but he wants me to go to church but i dont feel like it(to him church is da answer) i have 5bottles of different type of pills and i read abt the risk of overdose and if i do it right i wont survive – if only i had a gun i’m sure dats one of the safest way to do it all these other methods if u survive then its not gud but the embarrassment of it and being watched like a hawk afterwards is not nice.  i think i’m gonna do it but the thought of leaving my boyfriend behind is just too much to bear but dis neverending pain has got to end and the only way to make sure of it is to die dat way u know there’ll be no repeat of dis darkness and pain.

maybe the people mourning me will know how its like to have questions abt life dat never gets answered and they will feel how its like to have a pain so real dat never goes away no matter what. i tried to cheer myself up da other day and went to watch a movie and it was like life was playing a sick joke. the movie was abt people who got some unexplained virus and they kept on dying and i wish i was there and had dat virus dat could take away this misery. i have already written my suicide note 4 da family