this is my first post so please forgive me for run-ons or whiney venting…
10 halloweens ago in 01′ is when these tendencies really began to accelerate inside my head and my heart and my soul even though i’d felt the onset of depression when my dad left at age 9 and the onset of suicide at that manic age of 14.
long story short…
my senior year of HS i was dealt an incredible blow to my already fractured self-esteem and sense of self worth when I was detained (wrongfully in the end) and beaten (bloodied and fractured) by local officers in my town in front of most of my ‘friends’ and school peers…from November to June of the following year i suffered through profoundly intense bouts of rage, depression, Â and suicidal thoughts. The whole school and surrounding community had come to mark me hester prynne style as a no good violent criminal and horrible influence for all community youth in the area. As it goes in affluent small towns where everyone knows eachother, the news spread that I was some kind of infamous, notorious monster. I was nearly kicked out of school (despite never being convicted of anything and having all charges dropped) but worse…banished by all i knew and grew to trust as friends or acquaintances.
To this day i struggle being accepted into new social environments…I have no true friends or meaningful relationships…my family doesn’t know how to support me they simply keep recommending doctors and medicines….i’ve been able to keep a lot of explosive feelings and thoughts at bay…but recent events of economic, ‘romantic’, and personal nature have intensified old feelings of self harm…i’ve had two attemps one serious one not so serious in the past….but the stream of suicidal consciousness still flows daily…
5 comments
Hang in there. Keep looking for your answers and don’t give up. Try different hobbies and try to keep your eyes open to people and things you wouldn’t normally do. Its a good idea to talk to someone. Life is always worth to live/remember that. You’re going through bad times at the moment and you probably feel like nothing will ever change. But trust me it will . You have a lot of years ahead of you to do different things. Open up to others, trust me. There is always someone willing to listen, even if it’s on this website.
Aw. You have been through so much! No wonder you feel suicidal, I don’t know you but I know that I don’t want you to kill yourself. After all that you can’t just ‘give up’. You gotta fight and keep strong for everybody that knows, likes and loves you! Xx.
What were you detained for? It seems as if all this came upon you hard out of no where. Hester pryne is probably one of the strongest characters in all of novels so if you say you’re her then why not create a happy ending for your self as she does..
Hey, I know how you feel. I was at a student party once and this guy threw a bottle of beer out the window and it smashed through the windscreen of a car. The police arrived about 20 minutes later, armed to the teeth with machine guns, and they lined us all up against the wall in the front room and made like they were going to execute us if we didn’t tell them who threw the bottle. No-one told. So the police got together and decided it was me who threw the bottle. They let everyone else go and the questioned me in the room for about an hour at gunpoint. Then they let me go but they reported the whole incident to my faculty dean who had me into his office and threatned to expell me. I think at that point I realised there was nothing I could say or do to help myself, so I just apologised, and he didn’t expell me.
But that was one of the first inklings I had that nothing in my life was going to go as planned, and nothing has. There’s always some guy with a bottle…
If I were you I would live in spite of.
Nothing is worse than law enforcement that bullies people and does nto take the time to understand before they do damage.
You should be able to take legal action against them and at least ge tthem to pay for you to get counseling, other types of help and anything else you need.
Not that money will fix it but your issues are from their abuse.
And they all need to be fired and imprisoned for assault and battery.