I don’t quite know where I’ve gone.
I was born into a nice family, I think. Everything was fine. Father ran off before I was one year old; so mother found a replacement. Didn’t quite work out, I saw a few things I shouldn’t have.
Fast-forwarded to thirteen years old… I think I’m fine. I’m a brat and I’m spoilt- it’s been me and mother for a long time. Then the world falls down right in front of me… I’m put in my place by bullies, who continue on and on until I shrink inside myself, and my mother… she’s already cracked; alcohol was her best friend now. For six years it was just me, her, bruises and angry words she never meant, but still hurt.
Fast-forward to now; three months away from my twentyth birthday. Mother’s okay – a nice job, no more drink. I have friends. I’m a University student, second year, and I love making music.
So why… am I so unhappy?
Moreso lately, I keep feeling broken and detached. I wonder if I’ve finally splintered open, and how much longer I’ll want to stay alive. Through the entire six years of hell I’ve experienced, I always chickened out of suicide. I was afraid of what came next. Maybe it’s a good thing… it kept me alive. But now; the fear seems to be leaving me.
Don’t get me wrong – I haven’t touched a knife, or anything sharp, in over two years. But more and more I think… it wouldn’t be so bad. To leave… to stop suffering. But why am I suffering? Why am I so sad, and disheartened, and so self-hateful despite having a normal life again?
I didn’t want to come here and say ‘help me’; I feel I’m beyond help and that I don’t deserve it. But I think if I stay without asking for help any longer… I might end up leaping from the perch I’ve reached after a long struggle.
Help me…
2 comments
Hey man, i’m 3years younger than you and maybe I sound stupid or unbelievable, but it seems like you’ve made it through a ton. And I feel that sometimes after the storm blows over, there is still the wreckage that needs to be dealt with. You’ve been so much and things sound like they are a bit better, but I understand not knowing why you feel the way you do… It seems that you need to pickup the pieces of your life that you’re missing. If you don’t see a therapist i suggest doing so, and if you do then give it some time and you may find out what is wrong. You deserve happiness… everyone does, it isn’t wrong to feel that way, many people do. I hope that you can hold on, because even if you aren’t completely satisfied with your life, you can most likely be content with living, and not wanting to be dead. Life seems to be very complicated. I know i am almost wishing to be dead everyday, but at the young age I feel that it’s stupid to end it without having any wisdom. I hope this may give you some hope… I know that’s what i want, hope, and if you can have hope.. even the slightest.. then you can start to get on maybe the right track, and can maybe someday be happy. I wish the best for you.
I agree with Dan94. I think that what you’re going through is just the result of so much prolonged grief and heartache, kind of like what’s left after a tornado, what’s left of the deed after it’s done so to speak. Post traumatic stress disorder. It’s all a process– not an easy one at that. You don’t just pick up the pieces and keep moving, it’s a little more complicated. Now that your life is taking form, and that you’re growing up and evolving, it’s a little hard to fathom the concept of this change, this “normality” that in reality isn’t all that normal because it’s so different from all that you used to know. Adolescence is a curious thing; it makes you or breaks you. What you need to understand (even if you can’t accept it just yet) is that it’s the beginning of the transition. A wound always stings before it begins to heal. The transition you’re going through is difficult no doubt about it, I understand whole-heartifly believe me, and sometimes it’s hard to explain to those who haven’t been through so much hurt at such a defining period in their lives as is adolescence, they’d almost think you’re longing to hurt, that you’re some sort of masochist. But I guess the thought, or the longing to be normal felt more normal than actually achieving it, if that makes sense. At such a critical time in your life, you’re looking for direction, and you’re looking for it in your past, which is understandable, we all walk before we begin to run, but you can’t find that consolation or strength in your past due to all of the circumstances that occurred which led to the lack of security and normal development of certain defense mechanisms (thicker skin).
If it makes you feel any less alone, you’re not the only one going through this backlash. I’m as well, and there are many others in our position. It’s dreadful to feel no motivation, no sense of direction or spirit and just complete depersonalization like you only exist but without a sole purpose. Everyone has a purpose and that’s something everyone should understand, regardless of whether or not they feel it. There will be days, even weeks or months worse than others. You’ll sometimes get sick and tired of living, of the responsibility, of the habitual reality, and that’s all a fact, and just a part of the transition to adulthood. It’s not fair that you couldn’t build up to your threshold, that you were forced to almost grow up so quick and be exposed to such harsh realities of life, but there’s always two sides to the coin. You can take that and make it your strength, and always look back on it as a reference or a teacher. It’s what makes us humans all the more interesting and reliable. One day, you’ll learn to trust yourself, and view your past weaknesses as your strengths, as the pillars to the foundation that is your life, the reason you’re still living and breathing. One day your sadness will turn to admiration.
Life is full of so many options, even though sometimes we’re so consumed in our doom to really take the time to appreciate how much, especially when we’re still healthy. Opt to heal. (:
love/peace, Jess.