Can’t decide….

I’ve been depressed for a few years now i’d say… and I have not ever felt this terrible for this long. I don’t understand why I do not enjoy my life. I have a decent social life, my family is always helpful, and I feel that i’m ungrateful for feeling this way. I’m 17 now, I just got my license a two months ago, and I felt more free. And it seems that when something good happens to me, it lightens things up somewhat, but I still feel down. I had told this girl that I really liked last night how I felt about her, and I wanted to know if she felt the same. Before I told her i had somewhat knew that she was interested in this other kid from my school, but i had to get it off my chest. And she had told me nicely that she likes us being friends. And I don’t have anything to argue about really, but I feel very lonely most of the time, especially if I’m not doing anything. And  I feel that my life isn’t getting much better, I don’t want to kill myself, but I am trying to improve things and nothing seems to work. I had also tried seeing a therapist but it was always somewhat awkward and I didn’t feel like I could really go over any of my real problems. Also last year around the same time my life had somewhat changed dramatically. I had a very frightening panic attack when I had drank approx. 7-9shots within maybe 45min, and then i used a “gravity bong”  for marijuana use, and for months I had panic attacks sober, and they were the scariest things of my life, and since then things have kinda been worse… I tried Lexpro and that didn’t really help my depression nor anxiety, and i’m now trying welbutrin but still i do not feel satisfactory. I’m trying to hold on, and I feel forced to anyway, not because of my family, I’d be sorry for them but this world isn’t bright, but because I don’t have the will power to even fucking do it. It makes me feel like I’m too much of a ***** to do it anyway, and only makes me feel worse. I don’t even think I’d leave a note if I killed myself, I think i’d just use a hose and run my car and let the exhaust finish me. I don’t think i’m going to jump to anything just yet, but I’m not happy, and I’m looking for hope. My problems feel stupid, and that also tears me down, also i don’t have much self esteem, and whenever i try to have something w/ a girl it doesn’t workout, I’m not a hideous looking person, i’m aware, but it seems like whenever i find someone I like, they just don’t feel that way about me. That isn’t even the main problem, but it’s just something that always tears me down and i suppose i feel that if I did have a significant other… than maybe i wouldn’t feel so fucking shitty. I don’t know what to do anymore… I just don’t know.