There is this page and a half letter that I wrote to post on this site, single spaced I might add. I wanted to explain why… I guess why I turned out the way I did. It goes into detail about things that happened to me and things that I had done to others. This morning I finished it and as I look over everything… and this maybe just the way I feel at the moment, but I honestly just want to leave it in the past and deal with life as it comes.
As a little girl I’ve been bullied mercilessly, abused, lied and passed around. As a teen I’ve lied to others, broken promises, thrown away precious opportunities and stolen. In one year I’ve lost two uncles and a cousin. Two of them were assassinated, my uncle had to watch before he died as his son was killed and my other uncle withered away slowly in a coma. In the past two years I have been broken down by the panic attacks, the anxiety, the depression, the anger… they have all warn me down. I don’t have any more barriers and my heart beats dead inside me… but it still beats, if that makes sense.
To be honest, I just want to feel better. I have confessed the wrongs I have done to people, all of whom forgave me and tell me to just leave the past behind me. Everyone tells me the same thing. Stop felling guilty. It wasn’t your fault. No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Just learn from the errors you’ve made. Leave the past where it is… let it stay dead and buried. I wish I could. I wish I could just move forward and this letter is an effort to do so. More than anything I wish I could just erase all these memories. Just erase every trace… but I realized something these weeks when I tried to forget or put those thoughts to rest… their branded and scarred on me and I can’t get rid of them, so I might as well wear them proudly and take things day by day.
On this site I’ve met so many different types of people who are struggling with things in their lives. They have tried to help me and on occasions I’ve returned the help I have received from them. Although, I have yet to find meaning in my life taking things day by day is good enough for me. So I want people to know what I’ve done and been through. I don’t know. Maybe someone will learn from this or something. I hope. I’ve given very little in this world and I want to do more. I hope the courage in my heart to face the day remains their but I’m scared of the days when I just won’t have it in me to get out of bed and try to move on. The only things I’ll have are the scars and to remember to leave the past dead and buried… take it day by day.
Thanks for listening. -K
2 comments
That’s a pretty heart felt, and honest piece of writing. Sounds like you’re still in process with a few things. Like Dr. Phil says, you can ‘t change what you don’t own..so forgetting things, leaving them dead and buried isn’t working. So perhaps there is something to be learned from whatever it was. Whatever has happened in your life is all good, literally, all good-it’s when we push things away, disassociate is when we go off track. Own everything, happily….have your epiphanies…awesome, it’s all good, own it. Leave judgment and shame out of it…who cares. When you own it, then it can be let go…so it sounds like you’re wrestling with a few things but you’re close to resolving a lot of things which is great. Along the way, continue to only focus on what you want….we all know what we don’t like and what we don’t want ….but focus only on what you want and realize you’re a fantastic person deserving and worthy of everything good. Good luck!
Admirable that your sharing, accepting, helping, and getting things out has helped you.
Hoping things improve for you in the future.
Your story is a touching one.