disconnected

feeling out. far away.

it cant be the whole world thats upside down, it must be me.
i cant live like normal people. im beautiful outside and ugly inside; 
i feel it when i get in contact with people, im ugly inside.
i dont like letting people in my life but then i wonder whats the point
of living if i cant let people in my life. And with those already in my life
i cant be genuine because i know how they want me to be;
they want me to smile, they want me to come back on earth but im floating
in the air, i cant get a grip on reality and i feel contradiction between
my cheeks and my state of mind when i smile.
i wonder, what can i do? because it must be something inside of me,
the world is not that bad, is it? it must be that there's a filter that
changes my perceptions of things when i set my eyes on them.
my best friend knows that i have this problem, but i dont even tell her how
i feel anymore. i want to get out of the country, stay away so i wont hurt
her anymore, because she tried to help me and its my fault if it doesnt work,
its my fault if i still dont have the will to live.
but if i get out of their (my friends) life, they will think its selfish,
even if i am feeling like this is a sacrifice to take out a dark spot in their life.
i wasnt like that before. im 17 now, and its been 2~3 years that i feel disconnected from the world
from time to time, but this year its getting even harder, though nothing especially bad
happened in my life this year that would make a normal person depressed.

im having suicidal thoughts. and its not for fun :(

i dont know how to deal with it anymore.
i feel like everything i do to get a grip is a short-term solution.
i think that if i disappear that would be a relief for my friends.
i think that if i disappear by killing myself, my friends will be tangled with guilty thoughts
(i dont wish that for them).
how can i be?