Hurt and pain so very much of it. I have lost my parents, my husband, my home, my job, my children are back and forth between they love me when I am doing things for them but mostly they just love their dad. I have been raped, beaten, violated, and generally  mistreated a great deal of my life, all I had hopes for were my children and on Christmas eve I can not even get a return phone call after spending several grand and a mostly happy day yesterday. I give to them, to everyone around me. People say I am such a good person, they don’t know that my smile is glued in place, I will give what I have as it holds no value and their happiness is worth so much more. I am unable to value myself anymore I want it to end, I want it to be over with. I was successful last time in taking my life (damn paddles, and emts, week in ICU damn him that found me though he shouldn’t have been their that day) I just can not continue to hurt all of the time. I don’t want to leave my children with the burden that a suicide brings ( I truly understand why my mother did it now) however I have to have some relief some way out. I gave up my whole life to raise my children, they became my life and in a months time I was kicked to the curb like yesterdays news, It is almost 2 years later and I am still hurting. I need it to end please.
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I’m sorry you are in so much pain; and sorry that your previous attempt failed. This must be a very hard time of year for you what with Christmas and the situation with your children. You said –
“I will give what I have as it holds no value and their happiness is worth so much more.”
That’s a very powerful statement and very sad. I often think it we show just a little bit of selfishness and value ourselves a little more, then others start to think of us differently. Before you make another attempt, couldn’t you revisit your feelings of self-worth and self-esteem and judge how they are being helped or hindered by others, including your family.
It could be that you are valued more than you realise and are therefore taken for granted. It’s a serious omission, but it shouldn’t come down to your life.
I awoke so angry that I was here, ripped out lines and tubes, cussed the man that came in my home when he shouldn’t have been there, heard the horror story of what he went through and was still just angry. I did it right however something seems determined to keep me here though much against my will at this point. 3 times since I have been in the middle of getting things ready to complete to have someone show up unannounced and just hang around or be in my way. You have to hide the evidence or they want you to go to the hospital, who says we can’t help you, you know what is wrong with you. Meds to often make it worse for me so I have to go it alone.
You have been through so much. To be honest I think you been through a lot more than most. Maybe things wont get better, but maybe they will. I certainly can’t claim to have been to the same point as you but I have felt helpless at certain points only to find things didn’t stay empty forever.
Good luck and happy holidays!
I have no idea how to even begin to know how you feel. Please, if you want to end this, talk to a therapist or someone you trust first
I have tried very quickly my life seems to over whelm they tell me I am such a strong person for even having survived and I just say it isn’t that. If something is your life you live it as you have no choice often it isn’t that you are stronger than anyone else they just didn’t get put in that position. We all face trials that due to our lifestyle are to much for us. I am just at the point that it is so very hard to move. I am not even 30 and have lived the life of someone a lot older. My children are over half my age and I raised them full time until a little while ago. I am not unintelligent and sometimes my education gets in the way as I have had therapeutic communication with nursing classes and had to take general, developmental and abnormal psych. I have a good idea what is wrong with me I just can’t seem to make it right and when a therapist tries a lame attempt sometimes I have to laugh and say really. Did the group thing and ended up leading and never addressing my own issues. Everyone just always says you are so strong. I grew up in the home of a sever addict I survive I am not strong, I just put my stuff to the back burner when others need things.
I am so sorry. If you were a spiritual person you might see it as a sign. I can still see why it would piss you off though.
Z girl i can relate ive failed 13 times to end my life ive gone 20 years and am full circle back to wanting to die,i too have had a bit of training and suffered through some shocking attempts at therapy,there are more morons treating than being treated.sometimes i find it hard to say dont loose hope i feel like such a hypocrit i have a shitload of pills and the knowledge to use them but i havent and i dont know that i wont but its my safety net if things get to much.my shrink knows im suisidal but ive had such a shit time in hospital he probably wouldnt be surprised if i did end it at some point theres only so much a person can take we all have our breaking point hope you find peace
Hey Zgirl / Molly,
I am often astonished at how intelligent/aware (to a degree) many people are and yet appear to exist with overly negative thoughts.
All the points you make are valid except maybe i don’t see enough solutions being put forward.
Wanna chat either email/msn/here …i’m always happy to correspond with oterhwise decent people. (ps im from down under)
Try stay positive in the face of challenges, it is likely what we are here for.
‘Be the change you want to see in the world’ Ghandi…
Stay well…
AdAstra