First I’d like to point out that I have had both my grandfather and a close girlfriend commit suicide, my girlfriend did so with a gun while I was on the phone with her back in 2007. I spend an ample amount of time alone now, because I have nobody to be around, no one to talk to. My thoughts continue to poison me more with every moment. A girl that I believe I have a crush on now, who knows the way that I feel has no time for me. I was browsing several suicide prevention sites yesterday, doing everything I could to deceive myself into believing there was still some small glimmer of hope for me and to prevent taking the final leap. My mood didn’t really change much, but at least I didn’t die, right? My birthday is in two days, on Christmas Eve, and almost as an omnipotent force, pushing me closer to the edge, I am pulled over, driving home from work and receive a $110 ticket. I have no money, I have nobody to turn to, I have nothing. Nothing would change if I were to suddenly die.
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The only thing you would experience changing is you, from physical to non-physical and along with that is your perspective. When you transition you have a shift of perspective.
Be well.
I wonder how that perception change would alter the world as we know it..
Do you want death or do you want change?
Death brings no change.
Death brings a final end.
No choices. No anything.
Change comes with living.
Change comes with surviving and going on with life.
I’m tired of change. I am tired of dynamics.
And since I cannot find a perfect state then death is the best for me.
No good , no bad , no nothing.
Because I never have seen meaning in life even though I tried to use other’s philosopies as delusions.
Stay alive… so you can do something positive for you.
So you can see if that girl may change.
Go to court, explain your story.
Maybe someone will help you or feel generous and waive the ticket.
Try… for change.
My aunt committed suicide seven years ago. She was the first person in our family to do it. She suffered from so many demons; childhood trauma, addiction, abandonment… She was in so much pain, that, truthfully, I could not blame her. A few months before she took her life, I had an epiphany that if I kept drinking, I would end up like her… a broken down, pitiful alcoholic with no hope of ever pulling out of the deep, dark hole of despair. I decided then and there to stop drinking. I stay sober one day at a time in honor of my aunt. I tell her, “If you couldn’t do it, I’ll do it in your memory.” Maybe you can find someway to live in honor your grandfather and girlfriend. What would they have done if they were still alive to do it? If you don’t have love enough for yourself to keep on putting one foot in front of the other, do you have that love for them? Just an idea. It keeps me sober…