I’m done. I’m so done. I quit. I feel so flat. I’m pumped with all these meds. I do what they tell me and I’m done. The heaviness. The sadness. The shadows. I’ve researched and practiced and decided on my plan. I’ve mimed and worked out the problems. It just has to look like an accident so as to ease my family’s emotional recovery. Why? You ask why? Because it would solve so much. It would take away so many problems. I could rest. I could just be.
My therapist wants me to talk to my husband about my thoughts–not the details but just that I’m suicidal. What the hell is going on? Why do I feel this way?
My plan is simple but potent. I’ve practiced. I know the music I’ll play. I know the way to conduct it so it is ruled an accident.
4 comments
Posting here doesn’t really seem to be a good idea if you are concerned about it being viewed as an accident. You might want to destroy your hard drive if you want to be sure. I mean the post can still be traced to your ip address and all, but they won’t be searching through all of the forums to check to see if it was an “accident”. But stuff on your computer…that is just too obvious.
Oh dear, you have to know that it just causes so many more problems, it doesn’t solve any. You see its just like the snow ball effect. Try to be strong and call a prevention hotline or 911 works too. Please get help. So many many people love you. You have to know that. Please don’t break their hearts. I know its hard but just push through….the clouds go away. The sunshine will come. I promise.
Talking to someone like a husband doesn’t always help. I know how it goes… sometimes you just hit that wall and you worded it exactly how I have “im done”. when your just tired of being tired. If you go to my profile I have a poem about it that I think you’ll appreciate. I’ve practiced mine too. Planned it all. Even took a Phil class about the ethics of living and dying cause a requirement of the course is to plan your funeral and I kept it so that when I do end it all I have it all written down in a way that doesn’t make it look planned. But do know that how you feel now is how your husband will feel when your gone. He will feel so lost and want it to be done too now that half of him is lost forever. Whatever your actions end up being whether it be relief by death or by your mind having finally come to rest and work how it should I hope that it is just that,relief.
If you go, remember doesn’t matter what you believe, where ever you wind up…may be a new concept for you or not..in any case, think lots of love and gratitude because whether or not you had a glimpse of that in your life, that’s what we all truly are-. That’s the best advice for anyone in this kind of situation. I’d refrain from analyzing, some advice you may consider following once you’ve released yourself from your body because you’ll still be alive, just made a shift out of the body. Good luck!