Thought it might explain a few things if I posted it…
You wanted a long email…
So I’ll write you one. But it won’t be a good one. I’ll tell you everything. I’ll tell you why I can’t talk to you, why I feel the need, to make it seem like I’m dead. Why I hate myself so much. Why I want to die.
I’m too much of a burden. Maybe you don’t think so, but you don’t get it. You can’t feel the guilt I feel. You don’t know how unhappy I am right now. It’s not just sad. It’s worse than sad. You can’t understand it. I feel like I’ll never wake up.
I feel like all I can do is cause pain. I don’t even want to try. I don’t want to take care of myself, I don’t want to study. I don’t want to do anything. I’m falling off the edge but no one can even bare notice. Everyone’s too busy. It’s Christmas, after all. I should be happy. Everyone tells me to be happy. My dad actually thinks that I can just “be happy”. It’s all in my head. I’m the reason I’m depressed. I’m the reason I want to die. Thanks for confirming my own denial paps.
Then people tell me things. Sad things. I want to help, but all I can do is sink. All I can do is feel guilty. All I can do is think of myself. I’m so selfish.. I can’t keep doing that to you. I can’t keep being mean to you.. I can’t make you angry, or upset. I can’t. I already hate myself enough. I can’t hurt you. If you thought I was dead.. You’d get over it. You’d get over me. Then you wouldn’t have to deal with the drama anymore..
I don’t know who I am, who I’m suppose to be. I just want to die. I don’t belong. I’m not happy.
3 comments
Things/life outlook can change I can’t say it will in your situation. No one needs to be forced to live the unberable.
Cajun: That’s so true. Emotions are nothing if not changeable. And yet they are soooo powerful. Unfortunately, they are extremely unreliable. A lot of us feel certain things that are completely inaccurate. But that is our perspective and that is all that matters to us. So, if our perspective is skewed or unrealistic, it doesn’t really matter because that is our reality. I think the best tool in dealing with emotions is just to wait it out. If you can just give your feelings time to filter down into a manageable state… but sometimes it’s a really long wait. Therein lies the rub.
I hate how no one seems to get how unreliable our emotions are. We feel shitty. Why? Because we do. Simple as that. But I like the way you put things. Both of you.
It’s just so hard to wait.. Everything is so uncertain. Life is up in the air. So I guess, here’s to trying..