My story.

I’m 12 years old & this is my story.. I don’t care if you read its just ive been waiting for the chance to do this, so here it goes.
I dont know what it is but everything I see , every sound I hear reminds me off you, makes me remember firstly the memory,  I smile for a few seconds then I remember. My mind goes into shock from the overload of I don’t know what to even call it anymore. It goes into shock because it remembers. It remembers the confusion firstly of those times before it had happened where you had said “I want to kill myself” the wild daze memory of being lost for words as you told me different ways , the ways you’d chose to kill yourself. I remember the heat of the sun belting down on my face & the loudness of the towns crowd the day it happened. I remember answering your call as I passed the theater. I remember the fear in your voice. I remember the feel of the wind beating at my face as I ran up the road to your house.I remember thinking i can’t stop running.  I remember the cool salty tears running down my face as I ran. I remember receiving a text to say that you’d gone to the doctors. I remember walking home & it hitting me suddenly, the shock. I remember arriving to an empty home. I remember curling up in bed & trying to read but not being able to focus. I remember mum coming home & yelling at me for not texting her after school. I remember the relief that washed over me when I heard you were gonna be okay. I remember you telling me you probably won’t be coming back to school. I remember the struggle it was to sleep that night & the tears running down my face that seemed to never stop. I remember walking to school with an empty feeling inside of me, something missing. I remember the touch of 3 tears trickling down my check that morning when I walked down the road, the shock of realizing that I was never gonna see you walk down there again. I remember arriving to school & walking over to the four square with Zoe. I remember the bell ringing in my ears as I bit back tears & told Amy what had happened. I remember wanting to curl up in a ball & not talk to anyone all day. I remember picking a daffodil & bringing it to you with Issy. I remember seeing your face that day. The sadness in your eyes. I remember thinking you look the same, sound the same & act the very same. But your eyes, they a tell your story. I remember you saying to me look at all my lovehearts on my wall. I remember you started to boss me around that day. I remember not be able to sleep for nights. I remember the party . I remember the look of annoyance you gave me. I remember feeling hurt & wanting to curl up & cry. I dont remember much of the rest. I remember feeling in a daze 24/7.  I remember telling Amy everything. I remember the harder things got day by day. I remember the day you hacked my facebook & read my chat history. I remember it being thursday. I remembering arriving home texting Amy & you calling. I remember the coldness in your voice. I remember bursting into tears as you hung up on me. I remember calling Amy in a daze , saying random words in between a hysterical tears running down my checks. I remember telling her you saw the chat history & that you hate me now & hanging up on her. I remember her calling again & me not answering. I remember her sending a text, that made me answer. I remember just sitting there crying as she searched for words to say. I remember hanging up again on her & not replying to her texts. I remember the worst text you sent me. I remember not sleeping a wink that night. I remember trying to put a flannel over my eyes to stop me crying & to make my eyes go down. I remember telling mum I was sick the next morning. I remember you turning up at my door. I remember being so shocked & confused to why exactly you were there. I remember it being friday, mufti day. I remember having time out that day. I remember feeling depressed all day. I remember that was the day it started being awfull. I remember it was a Tuesday that I started cutting. I remember the pain it hurt & how I ignored it. I remember the pain you caused me. I remember how hard it was to stop. I remember you starting to hate me for some unknown reason. I remember feeling so upset & hurt. I remember you telling me you took 15 aspirins. I remember panicking & texting amy.  I remember entering another daze. I remember that being the last time I’ve cried. I don’t remember much more. I remember the same nightmare i have everynight. I remember it going like this, Im running in barefoot on tarceal. I run & run & run. I start to feel tired but I can’t stop. I try to stop & my feet start to drag along the tarceal. You come into view  in the distance. I can see you clearly but your too far away to reach. Your sitting at a table. Lined up are knives & panadol. I keep running. Reaching out trying to stop you. But no matter how fast I run I can’t reach. I watch you , slowly sollow all the pills & then reach for a knife. I see you reach up to your neck , I yell,  I cry , I scream , I stamp but you can’t hear me. You go across to slice but right before it reaches your neck, I wake up. I can’t sleep. I remember having days were I just feel miserable, i still have these days. I just need to sit down & cry & cry but I can’t get the tears out. I remember sending you a message telling you I had cut myself & you didnt reply. I remember the thoughts that “There went your chance of me being able to ever look you in the eye again. I was being dumb again. Like how i was dumb to let you walk all over me & do nothing. I thought that maybe just maybe you’d reply to that message some thing worth reading. But that was my getting my hopes up, believing crap. Im never gonna waste my tears on someone that doesnt matter. One tear is a smile wasted. Those weeks I’ve spent crying for you, I could have been enjoying life to the full. & by fuck. I regret it, alot.” they crossed my mind & still do every single day. I want to send you another message , maybe this one, but I know deep down you don’t give a fuck you- you never did, & you won’t reply. I know that it will hurt me more to send this. Everyone told me to stand up for myself & not let you walk all over me. Why it took me so long I dont really know. Somewhere in the middle of all this, I realized that i didnt like this, everything.  I guess I just thought, that maybe if I pretended that everything was okay & that I was happy it would be okay. Boy was I wrong. I should have listened much earlier. I really want to give up on you, I don’t know what’s stopping me any more. You just keep hurting me & I’ve been silly enough to keep running back to you every fucking time. So yeah, I really want to give up on you but there’s still something, something  tiny hardly at all there that believes this is all a bad dream , I can’t give up on you, you will get better. Deep down I really want to believe this. I want the old you. My bestfriend. She’s funny , kind , pretty & amazing<3. I hate the new you. She bloody sucks. I know I'd be so much better off without you. I need to move on, I can't live in the past. But your the thing stopping me from moving on. I need to get it into my mind that the old you isn't coming back. I wish this was all a bad dream. I've wished & wished & wished. But this isn't fairy land. Were not 5 anymore. We live in reality, were 13 & life is full of shit. I dream of being free. Just running, not knowing where I'm going just running far far away from everything. Feeling the wind  in my hair & the texture of ground on my feet. Leaving all the stress , the worries , the wonders , everything. free. I want to live again. I want to be me. 

I wrote that about 2 months ago. Alot of things have changed since then.. I started cutting again after I'd finally stopped. I had no idea the damage I was doing until mr K found out. He called mum & told her. I had to stop after that, even though it's so hard & I have so many reasons to. It's always easy to ignore the pain & just watch the blood trickle down you arm. I felt nothing until the next day. I still have nightmares but not as often… I've learnt that I was never really mad at you, just mad at myself. Mad & confused over what was happening & what to do. I cut because I felt there was no other way of getting everything out. I was confused & stupid. I felt like I was stuck in a never ending hole of stress, pressure & bad luck. I couldn't think positive about others & you because I wasn't thinking positive about myself. I've made alot of bad decisions already in my life & I regret alot of things I've done. You never did anything intentionally wrong to me, I just.. I just dunno. No one listened to me & I felt like no one understood. Every night for nearly 3 months I cried myself to sleep. At the time I thought I was crying over everything that you've done to me, but truth is I've only just realized I was crying because I missed you. I missed my best friend. that one I told everything to. The one thing I wanted more than ever, the one thing that would make the pain go away was you. There's only ever one true person that can make you smile & make the rain clouds go away and bring out your true sunshine. I'm sorry I hurt you. The thing that breaks my heart the most, is knowing what you've been through. My sister was bullied. I love my sister so so so much. & to think that people hurt you like they hurt my sister makes me cry. It makes me mad! I'd just like to say I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed someone most. Im sorry I was selfish & blamed you for things that never really meant anything. I'm sorry that I said things that were never fair to say. I'm sorry i thought you were hurting me when really all I was doing was hurting you. I regret writing Many many many of those things I wrote a couple of months ago.. I've come to realize who my true friends are. I treated you tbh horribly for weeks & you keep trying. You didn't give up on me. And I'm really happy you didn't. I'm sorry I thought and wrote the most terribliest things, I look at them now & I think of how much of I monster i was.. It was never fair for me to think or say that & I take all of it back. I'm sorry. Although I probably have some pretty weird ways if showing it, I'd just like to say,  I love you