Life is hard. It doesn’t help that people these days aren’t particularly nice.  I get very good grades….and they still make me feel dumb. I look quite nice….they still make me feel ugly. I try my best to get good at something….they say my efforts will get me nowhere. This happens all the time. I think people don’t even know how much this hurts me for I often just cover up most of my depression with a smile. One day I wanted to just end this…I mean according to them I wasn’t going to amount to anything anyways. The only thing that stops me now is the hope that things will get better…but will they really? So most of my days after school are spent listening to sad music and playing chess. I know I’m such a loser, I play chess. But I don’t care what people may think on that… it’s a enjoyable sport. (I choose not to tell anyone either for feeling they may tease me.)Then during school I keep my head low. I wish I could stop all of this without ending my life or talking to someone. Talking is so hard. You feel like no one will ever look at you same. And I can never really trust someone. So right now I am getting teased to the point of despair.
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Who are these people who make you feel dumb, call you ugly, and say you will never amount to anything? Are they people who matter? Are they people who have any control as to how your life will turn out? I bet if you think about it, you will realize they are not. Try to ignore their teasing, you will be out of school soon enough and things will be better. And losers don’t play chess – smart people do.
You see what’s going on here? They my dear, are simply just jealous. They know for a fact that they can never mount up to the greatness of yourself, so they try to tear you down. let this be a game they’ll never succeed in. You’re worth so much. Don’t give into their teasing. You’re amazing just the way you are. Be patient all this will end before you know it.
I know that talking is hard, but I’ve come to realize that talking to an absolute stranger about it, helps. They know not who you are, chances are, you’ll never meet.
So if you ever feel like you just need release, email me at Magnus.readytofly@gmail.com
I’ve got two ears to listen!
Take care and Stay strong! X
Jealousy.
It’s funded by hate and the motivator of it. A sad vicious cycle.
I love chess by the way, i learned to play it a long time ago but forgot it all together. It’s pretty amazing and actually kind of sexy (i’m into the geeky stuff). You sound misunderstood to me. And like you’re bottling everything up. And all the insecurities are just making you more depressed than what people are saying to begin with.
I was teased when I was much younger for looking and acting like a boy (I believe in 1st grade, I was like 6). I would take out my boogers in front of the kids and play kickball with the boys. I had really long hair that I tried to “shorten” with a ponytail. Of course, at 6 you won’t exactly get depressed for name calling. I had no female friends. 7th grade I was teased for liking emo rock and being into the bisexual culture. I had a handful of friends. I was severely suffering from depression at this time due to changes in my body (on the inside, like hormonal) and problems at home. I had absolutely no outlets and I was never in any activity. I often thought of suicide back then too.
You’re not a loser. Because you’re different, because you’re smart, because you like chess, and because you don’t fit in to the stereotypical social hierarchy in your school doesn’t mean that you should let yourself believe that you’re a loser. You’re not. A loser is someone who gives up and doesn’t bother to play chess because they think well it’s not worth it. A loser is someone who doesn’t get up everyday and force a smile because they’ve quit and they don’t keep pushing. A loser is someone who’s lost, and keeps losing, not someone who’s hurt because of how cruel kids and just society in general could be.
There’s so many people out there like you, you will actually get to a point in your life, if you play your cards right (and that means keep moving and don’t give up), where you will be ADMIRED for the things you do. There’s a whole other crowd out there, the world is a big place, you’re bound, and you will, fit in.
I wonder… if the people who are doing the teasing really have such bad intentions, or if your low self esteem is twisting their words to make them sound hateful when that wasn’t their intention? I can’t tell either way, unless you’re willing to write down some examples word for word.
It’s just that, I don’t think many people are generally THAT horrible, especially to people who are smart and good looking. Maybe one or two people are jealous, but the majority of people are too self-absorbed to bother picking on people for their good qualities.
Anyway at some point you need to learn to trust people. Because eventually someone will say something nice about you. And you won’t believe them, and it will be your loss. Chances are, I’ll bet this has happened already.
Chess is a amazing sport. You are definetly not a nerd. I know because I am quite a special chess player. And for example someone I KNOW (The best player in New Jersey) was really obsessed with chess and dated the prom queen. Never give up!!
Well to be honest i can’t play chess, so i really envy you! I would love to learn how to strategize ahead, that is what i lack. I honestly believe that it takes a very intelligent person to play the game, understand it and love it.
You sound like you are on your way in life so i wouldn’t worry too much about the people at school.
I had no friends during high school and was never invited to anything much. Through this i learnt how to be self-sufficient and independent. Now i go to University and i am not constantly struggling to make friends and sit with other people. I am getting great grades since i have no distractions however i have made a few really good friends.
I seemed to be too mature for my high school counterparts therefore i was left out. When you leave school and go onto Uni (college) or get a job, people take you more seriously and treat you with respect.
If you can last through the rest of school (i know its hard not having anyone there for you), you’ll leave the true losers behind as they will be thrown into the deep end. Into a world they can’t criticize to cover their own insecurities.
You will be okay. It will turn out fine for you. You have a very bright future 🙂