I have never posted before, but I have been reading others posts for a few months now. I wish I would have found this website a long time ago. I was diagnosed four years ago with Recurrent Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic Features. I have been depressed and had suicidal thoughts since my early teen years (I am now 35 years old). I have tried every medication and combination of meds for the past four years and nothing has helped my suicidal thoughts. The sad part is I am a high functioning person to the outside word (two college degrees, successful elementary teacher, etc.; however I am single and have no kids of my own) but inside I am dying. And now I am on a two week break from teaching and I don’t think I can make it without seeing my students. They are the only thing that bring me any hope and light into my life. I am starting the Emsam patch this coming week….anyone had any success on this patch for their suicidal thoughts? I can’t even talk to anyone about how I am feeling or what I am planning because the few friends that I have are ready to throw me into the mental hospital at any mention of a “plan”. And my counseor and I talk around the subject at my weekly appointments so that he doesn’t have to put me in a mental hospital.  My only goal is to keep my job and not go to the hospital, but I do have a “plan” over these next two weeks if the pain and the thoughts get too much. I need the suicidal thoughts to STOP now.
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Dear helpwanted76, please seek more help. Get a second, third, fourth opinion. You obviously have so many people in your life that love you. Try and get some rest and talk to your dr about some sleeping medication to help you through the night if the thoughts consume you. You my even learn a new trick or two if you do use this time you have off and go to a treatment center for a few days. Keep your head up:)
hello helpwanted76
i am also fairly new to this site and definitely one of the oldest on here….but they even managed to save my sorry life and give it new meaning….there are a great bunch of good hearted folks on this site….but as with anything nothing is perfect….just saying……even through and maybe because of their own pain they will have time for you…..but we are all different…some of us…mostly me…hehehe….have a problem with the written language…and some of us will hurt with our own pain….but you are safe here….i know….they haven’t killed me yet…lmao
sit down…take a breath….welcome…myself i have never had any luck with the meds….my amygdala is too high functioning, as is my metabolism….don’t be jealous girl…i must eat 3,000 to 5,000 calories a day just to maintain my body weight and not look like the poster child for Oxfam….not always fun….i have found that the panic or anxiety ALWAYS preceded the depression….i have often said that i was always depressed…it was a matter of the current level of depression….like living under a black cloud constantly…..waiting for the few moments when the sun managed to peek through….but here i am and here i will remain thanks to the god fellows on this site
i am now 50 years old….have survived 7 NDE’s caused by suicide attempts….trust me they were not all good….but the last one….wow….anyway….i wander…..sorry….i have dealt with many things in the past three months and ended up here somehow instead of trying it yet once again….especially cuz i know i won’t get away with it….but sometimes the pain is overwhelming….my self i have Asperger’s syndrome…as does my 15 year old daughter….had her when i was your age….long story there….and have suffered from my earliest memory, even at birth i have been told….ah well…what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger…lol
any hooo….i found that the pams(tranqs) were the only thing that helped me….when i was at my lowest….doesn’t make sense does it?…..to sedate a virtually comatose woman….but the truth was that i was frozen in my own fear….anxiety…and then became depressed by the negative self-talk that followed….after i screwed everything up once again….you may relate…don’t know
IMO only…biggest problem for most here is that they are of above average intelligence, some of them way above…you know who you are…..and we constantly torture ourselves with the big questions…..like….ummmm…Why? Why? Why?….to me it felt like a non stop temper tantrum….really what it was for me…..also most are highly sensitive and gifted and definitely seekers….most just can’t settle the mind(ego) long enough to follow anything much….spinning their wheels….sleep disorders, abuse, abandonment issues, grieving….whatever…it’s all good….they are still here and still seeking….it was perfect….it is perfect…it will be perfect….when was the last time you took a full breath?….just asking…..lol ….take a big one now….you’ll need it….lol…..YOU ARE PERFECT….
hope i didn’t cause any harm here….never my intention….
Live, Learn Love and Laugh….Always Laugh(usually at myself)
Hope something helped
Namaste
Amakua
help someone…new at this…how to i edit a comment….gulp….it should be girls instead of girl …..and good fellows instead of god fellows….or maybe not….anyway…sorry if i caused confusion….never been on any site or social media before last week….beg your patience
Peace
I coach figure skating and was a private tutor for little kids and sometimes my students are the only things that could keep me here. One of them broke my heart when he told me “if you weren’t here who would help me read? How would I learn English?” (He is Chinese And spoke no English when I began tutoring him at 4yrs old) I became so close to him and his family (long story) and they always told me that if they haven’t met me they didn’t know how they would have adjusted to American life they were so grateful for having me in their life and it really helped me to think about him and his family when I wanted to end it. All my students help me through tough times without knowing it. I have yet to find anything medical that helps me and my depression and other problems so far the best medicine for me is seeing my students and helping them. Also my dog but that’s another story as well. The best of luck to you keep having the wish to stay out of the hospital. Where there’s a will there’s a way right?
i’m muspelhem and i’m a psychic…..just a suggestion…check out this post….will definitely take you out of your own head for a moment…i love it and have visited and reread it often today or was that yesterday….very tired….much pain….it helps remarkably….just a suggestion remember…..the funniest part is that it was originally intended to poke fun a a post of mine….it is genious….just saying…maybe you should check it out…and then if you want to understand even more….feel free to check out my post as well….can’t remember what the hell it’s called…lmao…something about if you have ears you better listen….any hooooo
don’t mean to be pushy….just wanted to share muspelhem’s post it might help….who knows….what have you got to lose but sleep?…..btw….what’s with the difficult name i_dreamed_a_dream…..took me 2 minutes to type it…only got one good hand and i busted it up this weekend in a rage…..no worries…all good….lmao at myself…..
Good Luck and if you visit the post…..stay awhile….en(joy)it…yep i said it….lol
Namaste
Amakua