You get to the point eventually where you realize that you’re little more than a speck of dust. That you are alone. That people only interact with you when they want/need something. You give up trying to talk to others about anything serious. You learn that asking for help is futile. You are told that your feelings are invalid. That you haven’t any right to be depressed. That suicide is so blasted selfish.
So you isolate yourself even more. You don’t dare let on that you are in incredible pain. You go through the motions. You do what is expected. You pretend everything is fine.
And you’re broken. And bitter. And tired. You grasp for reasons to hold on, but they are all so empty. You hope that someone, anyone, gives a shit, but experience tells you otherwise.
And you wonder why the fuck you’re still awake at 3:45 in the morning, writing this meaningless crap. Just have another drink, take another pill, and shut the fuck up. Because it doesn’t matter anyway.
13 comments
You took the words out of my mouth.. I get like this when I’m at my lowest.
I don’t think I can get any lower. I’m so far gone at this point that I don’t even have the energy to kill myself. I’m a heap on the fucking floor.
I think the sofa or a bed would be more comfortable than the floor.. I understand, I had it written down in my other post titled ‘Tyrant’.
“Death is there, but you can barely lift your hand to reach out for it, and you cringe at the faintest suggestion of light.”
That’s a good description of it. I have the means to do it but can’t be arsed to go though with it. I’m just whittling away at myself, half-assing my own destruction.
Well, suicide doesn’t seem to be an easy task which makes it bothersome. A quick exit would be perfect for you. No firearms? Or maybe that’s not such a good idea..
Judging by your previous posts, you’re really struggling. And, nobody will listen to you. I’m sorry for that.
in the end many will seek death but it will elude them. it’s not your time. I think you still have a lot left to do here. I think you know this as well deep inside. pick yourself up off the floor. dust yourself off and get back on the horse. life ain’t easy but I think you can handle it.
I want to buy a gun. I’ve thought about it a lot. Just take my next paycheck and do it. Drive somewhere secluded and just fucking end it. I’ve even sat in the lot in front of a gun shop before and worked out this whole script about how I live in a dangerous area and need it for self defense blah blah. I worry about getting nervous though and having them turn me away or worse call the police.
I’ve struggled for a long time. About eleven years now. Tried suicide three times before. But no one around me gets how messed up I am. They think I can just snap out of it and be fine. If I try to talk to them about it, well then I’m just being selfish and bringing people down. They don’t want to deal with it. As long as I play this little game of pretend then they’re content. They really don’t care if my brains are splattered on the wall so long as they don’t have to clean up the mess.
3 fails is a lot. perhaps a higher power wants you to stay awhile longer. I knew a guy who shot his self in the head with a shotgun and he lived. he’s a bit slow these days and has some memory lapse now. how he survived a point blank shot is a mystery. hopefully you’ll stick around awhile longer. the alcohol always brings you down. it does for me anyway. life is short. no need to leave in such a hurry.
11 years.. and 3 attempts. Harsh. I’d kick those people in the teeth if I were you. Nobody deserves that kind of neglect. I think no amount of advice will pull you out of your darkness. At least that’s how I feel. Not sure, though.
I don’t even remember what daylight looks like anymore.
Sounds like my life… except for
“You hope that someone, anyone, gives a shit, but experience tells you otherwise.”
I stopped worrying about others caring years ago.
Zerosum, suicide is in no way easy. You are fighting against hardwired instinct and years of being inundated with the philosophy that life is worth living no matter what is wrong.
And no matter how fool proof the attempt seems, the chaos of the universe can always kick in and smash your preferences to bits.
Gaara made a very astute quote in his post about the bed or sofa being more comfortable.
Even when one is at their lowest and know that death would be such sweet release, it is still as difficult to achieve as Tantalus actually sating his hunger or thirst.
That is why only those who have never conceived or attempted suicide can call it easy or cowardly. Because they do not know.
The cannot understand the pondering and the self analyzing one has to go through prior to deciding this. The fear one has to vanquish.
I feel ya…sending ya good vibes. Take care.
Been there too (including the floor). I hope you’re feeling better.