I’ve been doing pretty good lately, actually haven’t been on this website in like 2 weeks or so, not that there is anything wrong but just means i haven’t been having bad thoughts.
But I find myself in a pickle right now.
I fucked up, big time. Well big time in my eyes.
1. I’m in school and I might get kicked out of my classes. I hope I don’t cause that’s just would have been a fucking waste of my time and energy and I will fucking drop out of school.
2. In the past 3 weeks I have had unprotected sex with three guys. And I’m afraid of two things. I’m either Pregnant or have a STD. I think I’d rather have the STD though.
It’s a bad habit I’m trying to quit. Having sex with so many guys. I’ve gotten alot better but it’s hard to stop old ways. Was celibate for 2 1/2 months but then got sucked back in. So my partner camp now is 31, I’m only 20 and started having sex 2 months before my 18th birthday.
I plan to get tested but I have to wait like another week so I can make sure I get the right results but it’s stressing me out.
I can’t blame nobody but myself. I’m pretty fucking stupid and am kinda worthless.
I feel bad tho I might have gotten a std and given it to the other guys. One was really nice so that makes me rather be pregnant, i just feel bad for having to kill the baby.
I’ve already caught an std twice, three times the charm thought, right?
7 comments
These may sound like a shallow platitudes, but nonetheless I think it really applies and I hope the perspective of a humble outsider can help you in some way: we all make mistakes; cut yourself some slack. Get tested, and hope for the best, and try your hardest to be true to your best self in the future. What’s done is done, and all you can do now to learn from the experiences and hope you lucked out this time. Best of luck.
Oh yeah, and if you did flunk your classes, don’t drop out, as it sounds like you will then feel worse about yourself. Bite your lip and repeat em. Practice makes perfect! You owe it to yourself to give it another shot.
Well I always think of more things to say after I’ve submitted. But this is important: guys are responsible for putting on their own condoms. If you did wind up passing something on to someone else, remember, it takes two to tango. While you may bear some responsibility, it most certainly is not on you. You don’t wear a condom, there’s risks. Them’s the breaks. They knew that.
hey, sex is fun. sex is fun like awesome- don’t apologize for that, just think about the nervousness afterwards if you don’t take precautions- in other words, LEARN. everyone is capable of it!
i think that there *are* stupid and worthless people out there (not too many, tbh, but a fair amount), and i think the fact that you’re reaching out and talking about this crap is proof positive that you are *not* one of them.
the truly stupid and worthless don’t even bother to sit down and think about what they’ve done, and that’s a fact – responsibility is a GOOD thing, and you’re doing it!
I know but at the same time I will be the one getting blamed for it. And it makes me feel like less of a person having to call someone and tell them that I might have given them a STD. The second time I caught a std I had to call like five people. it was horrible. They didn’t cuss me out or anything but I felt like shit and still do when I think about it. That’s why I tried to stay away from guys but it’s inevitable that I will have to interact with them. But I blame myself because I put myself in these situations. 31 guys and I haven’t learned a lesson somewhere in there, so I have to be stupid. Caught the std twice already. So why haven’t I learned. Because I’m fucking stupid.
And if i’m pregnant then I am now fucking stereotype and I’m going to think about it everyday for the rest of my life. I love kids, I think they are beautiful but I can’t support one. So I HAVE to get rid of the baby. Because If I go through with the 9 months I sure and the hell ain’t giving it up.
So I feel pretty fucked emotionally for the whole situation. But I deserve to feel like this. I allowed myself to get into this situation, I blame myself.
A microscopic germ has more purpose in this world then I do, is more important than I. I’m a waste of oxygen and space.
I know it might seem like it’s just the situation that has me like this, but I always feel like this and it fucking sucks. If I wasn’t here other than the emotional pain that would occur people’s lives would be a bit easier without me.
You are not stupid. You just made some choices that were unhealthy and irresponsible.
I could tell you of my days of promiscuity in my youth. And that was before I was 18. Sex is natural. But if you feel ashamed or dislike yourself for enjoying it in the fashion that you do then that is a problem.
And that may need some self analysis to decipher. Or possibly the help of someone who is experienced in the psychology of sexuality.
And as deadinside said, the health of those guys is their responsibility,. If they did not use protection then they share in the consequences.
All you can do now is get tested, take the necessary steps to get back on track and try to be more careful in the future.
I knew a guy who got mad at a lady friend of mine because he thought she gave him an STD. He wanted to physically attack him.
So my little brother and I told him to leave her be because he should not be sleeping with women unprotected. And that anything he contracted was his responsibility. And that if he did bother her, he was going to have a good man to man talking to.
You can always retake classes when you are better able to handle them. The way your post is written shows that you are of astute mind.
Hey CherryBlossom
Long time no talk to….wanted to share something with you…a quote from Nelson Mandela.
Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.
And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
I seriously get what your problem is….i have been there myself….many years ago….
promiscuity is a symptom of the problem….a coping skill if you will….a way of getting some of your needs met…attention is always on the behaviour and not the cause of the behaviour. I could make a whole lot of guesses….but would rather you tell me about you….myself I dealt with child sexual abuse, rape, physical abuse and abandonment issues. And what I didn’t realize was that unconsciously I felt like I deserved no better and my actions were an attempt to end my life.
I have seen several psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, counsellors….lol….the only thing that really helped me was a counsellor from the sexual assault center. This is not to say that all my issues are fixed….i’m not dead yet….so….but the dangerous game you are playing and that i have played….you’re not just playing with yourself….not good….the sooner you get help the better. For your sake or others….dangerous, dangerous game. What the counsellor did help me with is understanding why and controlling the impulses….and in the end….sex is finally good….well great really….but one partner at a time hun….please. I understand but I also see worse in your future if you don’t get help.
I don’t think this is what you really want….perhaps what you have settled for….do your self a favour….call your nearest sexual assault center for women. This is not a psychiatric issue….it is a condition of your experiences to date….but dangerous none the less….sex feeds the physical needs….but your emotional needs are still not being met in this way. Would love to talk more. Let me know
Namaste
Amakua