I don’t really know what to say, except that I am seriously considering suicide for the first time in my life.
I’m probably older than a lot of the posters here. No offense meant to anyone, but I tend to think I’ve dealt maturely and wisely with many difficult life experiences over a number of years.
My late teenage and early twenties years were difficult and I had to overcome a number of problems, including panic disorder and severe depression. Since then, I’ve done a lot in my life. I would even suggest that one could be very envious of it, looking from the outside. But nothing I’ve experienced before has hurt as deeply as what I am experiencing now.
The difficulty I perceive now has a lot to do with work and what I might do with the rest of my life. It is also largely based on a recent break up of a long term relationship.
I’ve experienced some pretty significant things that I would like to share with the world. Yet I don’t feel like I have an outlet for this expression. I have the skills, insight, and talent to contribute and to make a difference in peoples’ lives, but I have not been able to successfully contribute in a meaningful way, despite my repeated efforts.
And I have been fortunate enough to have met the “one” type of person. Over the span of decades, this is the only person I ever loved in a romantic way. Now this relationship is over, but the love remains, and I know that I will never love like this again.
These things are just too much. I don’t relish the idea of killing myself, but I fear it is the only way to stop the pain.
Thanks for listening.
8 comments
Hey Seymour,
I don’t believe we have met….sorry i think i may be older….50 here. I have attempted 7 times that resulted in 7 NDE’s….and for me suicide is no longer an option….but after many years….dealing with a situation similiar to yours….and just was so frustrated and angry and lonely and….well you get the picture…so I sat at my desk and googled suicide…and ended up here a few weeks ago….and the wonderful souls on the site kept me from self-harming….at 50…still got a lot to learn…but that being said….i still know more than most….lol
Would love to talk to you if you’re interested…ya know being much older and wiser as we are….lmao….at least older in my case…hahaha….will be in and out today….let me know.
Namaste
Amakua
Hi Amakua,
Thank you for taking the time to reply.
It sounds like you’ve had your share of pain. I was surprised to find that the suicide rate is higher the older one gets, I always thought that suicide would be most common under the age of 20.
I’ve been dealing with a lot of hopelessness and despair, which I think are well-founded because nothing much has changed in years and years. I’ve given all that I am capable of and I’ve given plenty of time for things to change. I’ve just kind of hit a wall and I cannot abide these circumstances any longer. Circumstances have been far worse for me in the past, and as I said most people would probably look at my life from the outside and be envious to some extent.
The circumstances are made even worse because I have a very good understanding of what else is out there, so to speak. I just want to be done with it, I don’t want this life anymore, I can’t abide the pain here.
Maybe you can understand? It’s like I’ve hit a point of return, or been pushed too far. The straw that breaks the camels back and all that.
Hey Seymour,,,warning….known to post long comments…lol….am working on one now for you….lol
Namaste
Amakua
Hi Seymour,
I’m 54 and pretty much knew most of my life, my final exit would probable be suicide. I have spent many hours looking at methods and just recently started gathering up the materials to allow me to make it happen.
No,no…I don’t have a date yet, but I wanted to stockpile in case future events prevent the materials from being available.
Until that time, I wander around here and comment, suggest and share knowledge.
Here is something a little more clinical, if your interested.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlIJ-JGsl8E
Anyways, always wiling to listen
The straw that breaks the camels back and all that.
I use the exact same words just a few weeks ago…and i am pretty tough let me tell you…and even i break sometimes…it’s nice to know this site is here in case it ever happens again….they fixed me right up…..but not in the usual way….hope you stick around and find out what i mean….they would love to help you too …i know…but first you really do have to learn to help yourself…and you’ve taken the first step….coming here….now relax…breathe….no quick answers…but you already know that
how old are you btw?…male/female…helps me to focus…visualize…perhaps vague location like country?….don’t feel you need to answer my nosy questions…but would help ME out if you would…selfish old woman here…lol
It isn’t really the outside world that brings us to our knees Seymour…it’s our inside world….and when the inside and the outside are both bad at the same time….well jack’s your uncle…here we are….but that is not to say there is no hope to lessen your pain….just baby steps….and by coming here you took a big one.
Have you been here before?…if not know you are welcome….
Namaste
Amakua
Hey Titanium….excellent link….added it to my own tool box…just wanted to let you know…awesome….let’s just hope Seymour figures out how to moderate this post…
Amakua
Thanks again for the reply Amakua… it’s very kind of you. And thank you too for the welcome.
I don’t have as many years as you, but I’ve certainly packed in a fair amount of living for the years I have had.
I’ve been taking baby steps for a long time now. And I know exactly what you mean when you say it’s the inside world that brings us to our knees.
As I mentioned before, circumstances have been far worse in the past than they are now. And I know that circumstances have nothing to do with happiness anyway. But I’ve reached a point where I don’t think I can continue, and I don’t feel bad about throwing away all the hard work (those baby steps, all 3 billion of them) I’ve done in this life.
As bad as the pain has been before, I never really considered suicide a possibility. But I am certainly considering it now. The irony is that I am at the top of my game, I’ve spent years fine tuning my mind and body. I would be very happy just to be the apparatus of the divine, to sacrifice myself completely for something. Or to be content in life. Either one would be fine by me. Unfortunately, everything I do or attempt ends in failure. I’ve never known success of any form in my life.
So like I put it before, I’ve crossed a line and hit a wall. I’ve been chugging along through terrible suffering for so long now, and I’ve realized there is no reward at the end. There is only more suffering. And I can’t abide any more suffering.
Hey Seymour,
Been called out again…gotta run…but be back on tonight…hope to run into you later….or you can leave me a message in my post “Welcome to the Land Of Oz”….and maybe we can talk more later….let me know….any help you need navigating the site…just ask…lots to help you out there…..but relax….check it out….can’t make any big mistakes…enjoy….hopefully later
Namaste
Amakua