All the celebrity backpats in the world are meaningless when your own mother says “I would rather you die than be a dyke” and means it. School was bad enough, everyone knowing somehow that I was a lesbian before I had romantic feelings for any human at all.  I confessed the feelings that make me feel so awful to someone because they said they were the same way…only to find out she was straight and flirting with me was  just a game. She doesn’t get why my feelings got hurt. “it’s like you fell in love with me or something”.  She’s not the reason I’m doing this, nobody else is. I’m doing it because of my inability to handle life.
Mom, you got your wish. Your daughter is a disgusting dyke and she’ll be dead by the end of the year.
I don’t believe you can make someone gay but you do, so follow your own logic for a second. What part of my past could turn me into a raging lesbian? Could it be the part where I told you “he hurts me when you leave us alone” and you knew it was true, but you walked out the door anyway. Â Telling you for ten straight years thinking that this time you’ll listen. Hurting myself because I thought that maybe my bruises just weren’t bad enough to count, if they were worse maybe you would help me. Pulling out my hair and picking my skin off from the fear. Â I thought cutting you out of my life would help but it didn’t really change anything. Nothing ever seems to change or get better. I think I’m broken.
I’m giving it until my birthday before making the decision. I don’t see the point in waiting but for some reason I am. I’m the eternal optimist, which is admittedly weird for someone planning their suicide. I didn’t pick my username as a time frame in case anyone wonders…it’s from a song.
8 comments
When is your birthday
Beginning of May, week before my sister died (in 2003)
First of all: I’m sorry you’re having a tough time – especially with your mother who doesn’t seem to be very understanding.
As for the kids in school, well they’re just immature and childish – don’t fully understand their effect on people. I urge you to try to forget/ignore them as hard as that may be – or if they bully stand up to ’em and make it so they know you won’t stand for the shit they’re giving you.
Don’t let your mom’s wish come true – please. Seems like you’ve been through a lot, and are still here – I hope you can wait and live longer and try to cut yourself off from that life as soon as possible. I’m glad you’re waiting, and not being too rash about it.
If you ever want to talk more or vent or anything post more or I can give you email or something.
Stay strong and optimistic. G’luck
Sorry if I didn’t understand, but hope helped in some way.
Sorry for any misunderstanding Will, I’m an adult and I’m out of school now. Part of my reasoning for wanting to do this is my inability to get over all the things people have said to me…remembering that and knowing what people would say and think about me if I came out of the closet.
Hey. It’s great that you came out and told people about your feelings. I think you may also find this site helpful. thetrevorproject.org It’s for people who are not being accepted or are questioning what you have admitted, which is great.
Never be ashamed of who you are. If people can’t accept it that’s their problem. they feed on misery. This shithead at work told everyone I was gay which I’m not. it bothered me because i could be construed that way but it was not true. People believed it because they wanted to put me down. At the end of the day I would rather have a gay friend than know some of the kniving nasty cnts out there who have nothing better to do than put someone down.
Nice Duke, well said. A truly empowered loving person, lifts you up…encourages you and tells you the truth in a way that cares for your absolute well being. Cheers!
Wow. Its like you just wrote a page from my own life. The only diffrence being when i came out my dad prayed that i should be struck by lightning. If you ever want to talk im usually always around.