I was raised to be an honor student.. for all of elementary i was a ummm bookworm.. i was happy wit who i was and i was a bright kid.. i loved my family and all my frends.. but my life jst crashed completely wen i started 6th grade.. i was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and a bipolar disorder.. then 1 day i mouthed off to my mom afterr all da stress i got from da disorders.. nd she screamed out dat i wasnt her daughter.. turns out shez my step mom.. my mom died of cancer wen i was 3 yrs old nd my dad didnt want me but he wanted da goverment money dat they wuld give him if he kept me, for his othr kids.. dats wen i started cutting.. i transfored to a different skool nd evry1 there cut themselves.. idk y but it was like da kinda thing u do jst to be kool.. my cuzin was doin it.. my best frend was doin it.. evry kid wuld do it.. soo dats wen i tried it.. da 1st cut gushed blood like crazy.. at 1st i was freakin out.. but then i got da most incredible feelin.. for a minute.. all my problems didnt excist.. for dat 1 minute i culd look in da mirror nd not think dat i was da worst lookin human being.. i hate evrythin abt myself.. i wish more then ANYTHING to be beautiful.. for dat 1 minute i acually enjoyed breathin in fresh air.. for dat 1 minute i felt like i culd make it.. each day i wuld count how many things pissed me off or made me sad nd dat wuld b da number of cuts i wuld make at da end of da day.. sumtymes i wuld go up to 30 or 50 cuts a day.. i already had a low self esteem nd hated my body soo i jst wore big sweaters.. my parents didnt suspect a thing.. they didnt evn care.. they made me sleep on da floor cuz they said only my other brothers diserved a bed.. they wuld tell me im completely pathetic nd useless.. they nvr cared to pick me up from skool on time.. but still they fukkin tortured me.. my dad is an alcoholic nd wen he wasnt beating me til i was numb, he wuld tellin me dat i cant go out, i cant bring frends over, i cant use anythin in this house, i culd jst sit down nd watch tv til they get home nd tell me wat my  chores r.. it surprises me how parents jst scream nd punish u wen they find out u cut urself.. a kid in my class saw my cuts 1 day in da locker room nd snitched on me.. i had my ag full of drugs nd beer wen they called me in to da counsilin office.. had to dump it all to da nearest trash can.. $150 worth of pills weed nd beer.. idk wat it was but my 1st reaction wen i was forced to show my cuts was cryin.. i cried soo much.. nd my dad jst stabbed his nails into my arm wile he dragged me into da car nd beat da livin crap outta me.. they had to drag me into da house by my feet cuz i culdnt move.. then he jst beat me up more.. he locked me in a closet nd said all i do is embarrass our family.. i was locked in ther for 2 nights nd 3 days.. they wuld occasionally throw me a water bottle.. my sisters wuld jst laugh at me nd say i was da ugliest nd stupidest person on da world nd dat i shuld jst rot in dat closet.. after dat.. my life jst went on da same way.. my dad wuld beat me nd evry1 wuld jst complain abt how completely useless i was.. but da part i hated most was wen we wuld go out in public.. they wuld act like we were da family of da year.. i didnt mind cuz for a moment they wuld pretend they cared abt me.. i dnt understand wat i did rong.. i hardly ever spoke a word.. im obidient.. i do evrythin they ask me to do nd its never enough.. drugs werent numbin da pain da way they use to.. cuttin was da only thing dat hurt more then all dat bullshit.. i needed it.. after a cuple more yrs of dat shit.. i met a guy dat completely hypnotized me.. i waited 6 months for evn da chance dat he wuld ask me to be his girlfrend.. for those 6 months we txted evry single day from da moment i woke up to da moemtn i fell asleep.. he was da only person dat understood me nd acually enjoyed a conversation wit me for more then a cuple mins.. he was evrythin i culd ask for.. wen he finally asked me to be his girlfrend.. i felt like evrythin was gonna change.. we have been datin for 1 year 2 months 3 weeks nd 2 days.. he’s amazing 🙂 he flipped my entire world.. he’s da only person ive told evrythin to.. he knows my pain nd my joy.. he’s my happiness nd my strength.. he’s EVERYTHING to me.. we’ve nvr acually gotten in a fight.. we get upset abt things but not from anger.. of saddness but they nvr last more then a cuple hrs.. nd we nvr go to sleep angry or upset wit eachother.. he says i love u probably 30 tymes a day.. we call eachothr evry mornin nd evry night to say good mornin nd goodnight.. i guess u culd say ive gotten too attatched.. wen im not wit him.. i go back to how i felt wen all i culd do is cut myself.. i evn stopped cuttin myself becuase da look in his eyes wen he saw all my scars wuld destroy me.. evryday he seez my scars nd stitches nd cant help but be upset abt them.. he always tells me dat he wishes he had met me sooner to save me.. i say dat i wish dat too.. he’s my best frend nd my soul mate.. i cldnt live without him.. but wen he’s not around.. i cant help but slowly spiral back to how i use to feel.. i get soo angry wit myself becuase i have da most amazin man nd i still have those thoughts.. idk wat else i can do.. i want a medication to help me thru this.. he doesnt diserve to have some1 who’s half alive nd half dead.. most ppl say they wuld die for their soul mate.. but i LIVE for him.. i wuldnt die for him because then.. id leave him alone.. we live together, we die together.. i jst wish evrythin culd b simple.. dat we culd jst skip all da bad parts nd have our little house wit all our kids runnin around.. but all this happiness doesnt change dat depression i still have underneath.. i cant help it.. i jst kno dat i will do evrythin in my power to make sure my children NEVER feel this way.. i want to be a mother more then anythin.. 1 day evrythin will b clearer.. i jst cant keep waitin.. im slowly killin myself.. i need da life i was meant to have! this cant be god plan for me.. im not diein this way…

well idk if any1 is gonna read this.. i dnt expect any1 to feel pitty for me or anythin.. i jst wanted to tell “some1”.. all these yrs of holdin back on wat im really feelin is jst becomin overwellming.. it feels good to say sumthin out in da public.. nd i kno othrs might have worse cases then me nd im sorry for em but we all suffer..