Figured I’d post, at least give it a try.

Where to start.. Start at the beginning and end at the end I guess. Born to a single mother, don’t even know my dad’s name. Never met him, don’t even know if he’s even still alive.

Mom had depression. She worked as a seamstress at a local clothing manufacturing plant. Found out she’d fell asleep one day and almost sewn her fingers together. We were always poor. It was better when my grandparents were alive, but they got sick and had to go to a nursing home. My grandfather hated the nursing homes. He stayed with my aunt before eventually moving into one. My grandmother died before him, having been in a catatonic state for the past couple of years. He died about a year later, never getting over her death. Mom’s poor health got even worse until when I was either 9 or 10 she was going to go to a doctor’s appointment and I was coming along. My cousin had started living with us and I thought of him as a brother. He was staying home while we went to the doctor. Mom could barely fit behind the wheel. We got to the end of the street before mom had to stop the truck and told me she couldn’t breathe. I got out of the truck, went and got my cousin, he came back and drove the truck back home, mom got out when they got home, sat on the front porch, and told me to call my aunt. I barely ever talked to the rest of my family. Several of my cousin’s I called aunts because they were so much older than me (I was a change of life baby). Some of my family I didn’t even know their names, even though we all lived in the same town. I got a hold of one of my aunts and told her what was going on. Had to get the operator to cut the call, and my aunt was angry that I’d interrupted her call, then I told her what was going on. We called 911, they sent an ambulance and took my mom to the hospital. Found out that my mom was so full of fluid at the time that if she hadn’t went to the ER that night she’d have likely died.

She was in the emergency room for 7 days. Had a tube down her throat, to help with her breathing or feeding. I stayed with a rich cousin of mine in town. The family were cleaning the house me and mom had stayed at (my grandparents old house). It was beyond filthy, except for my little room. They got onto me for it being so filthy, saying I should have helped mom. I did help mom, but it was hard to keep everything clean as a 9 year old with a mom who sat in the same spot all day suffering from depression and gorging on pork rinds. I told mom about them cleaning the house. We’d made a system where we could talk by me going through the alphabet and listing letters and she’d blink twice when It was the letter she’d wanted. I’d gotten that from some E.A. Poe story. She asked me what they’d done with my old tricycle (it was very important to her). I told her that they’d just put it in a building and was making sure to keep everything safe. My cousin “Sarah” was there with me when I said this. THe nurse had warned us that her heart monitor had been acting wierd earlier, and the second I told her about the trike it claimed that her heartbeat was going through the roof. I got home only to have my cousin tell everyone that I tried to kill my mom, and they wouldn’t listen to me, being just a 9 year old. I remember a bunch of my family scolding me and telling me that I should be ashamed of myself for trying to hurt mom. My little cousin “Kayla” (she was maybe 3 or 4 at the time, came in and was asking why I was crying. I told her because everyone thought I had tried to kill my mom.

Mom got out of the hospital adn came back home, with a breathing machine. She was diagnosed with COPD from years of smoking. My cousin Trey (the one staying with us) and I took care of as much as we could. About 3 years later her and my aunt decided that the best thing would be for her to go to a nursing home. My mom was only 52 or 53 at the time. She went to the nursing home, and I moved in with my aunt. My aunt was very strict, but I suppose kind about the way she was so. I stayed tehre for about 4 years. Then I stayed with my cousin (the one who had claimed I tried to kill mom) for about 6 months. Then I stayed with my rich cousin for 1 year. Her kids despised me, or at least that’s how it felt. I remember wondering if it was possible to cut my wrists on the sharp bricks around her pool. The family bought me a car, it was the one they used for test driving, so even though it was new they sold it as used. And they paid for a year at an apartment complex and I was out. Mom died on February 14, 2005. I was 18 or so at the time, working at the nursing home she was staying at in the cafeteria so I could be close to her. I worked there for about 4 months after she died.

Went to a technical college here in town for a degree that I’ve mostly forgotten the stuff I learned, went to work as a person who puts ads together for for about 4ish years. Survived massive company layoffs by working at another branch of the newspaper in a town 50 miles away from where I lived. I drove 100 miles each day. $200 in gas each paycheck. Was fired for “excessive internet usage” by my boss, a man who admitted to never wanting me to come and work for him, “knowing my history”. I was in therapy at the time, and was very bad at cutting myself. My therapist said she thought I had borderline personality disorder, basic depression and Post traumatic stress disorder, my psychiatrist (who I only went ot see a couple of times) agreed with the BPD prognosis and said I had a form of low grade depression that is always there, even with meds. What I think really got me into first start cutting was my ex. I’d met him on a dating site. I’m a guy, by the way. Went by to see him a few times, got pretty serious, and eventually he moved in with me. He lived with me for about a year and a half, and we’d dated for about 3 years, on and off. Eventually he woke me up at about 3 in the morning, telling me that he couldn’t stand being with me anymore and that his cousin was coming by to pick him up and that he never wanted to see me again. I became stalkerish, obsessed with the thought I could get him to change his mind. THat never worked, and that’s when I started really cutting.

When I lost my job with the newspaper company (July 2011) I couldn’t really handle it. Went into a deep depression for about 3 straight months, and eventually had no money to handle the bills. It’s next to impossible to find a job here in my small town (we have a 10% unemployment rating), and had to go to a job placement place to even get temp work. Well, stayed with a couple of friends for 10 weeks, with another friend for 3 days, and now with my friend whom I’m with for about 2 1/2 weeks. The friend I stayed with for 10 weeks has betrayed me by lying behind my back and sending texts from her mom’s phone (texts taht I know her mom would never send, telling me she never wanted to talk to me and that she didn’t want me to call her and “cuss her out”, I’ve never said an ill word to her mom). Her aunt was taking care of my cat (who I think of as my child, I’ve had him since he was a little tiny ball of fluff), and now I’m not even sure if they’re going to let me have my cat back. I’ve been trying to sell my house to at least get some money to get an apartment, but even though I’m trying to sell it for less than half of what it’s worth noone want’s it. I have so many bills I can’t pay, no car insurance, can’t drive now, no job, no utilities at my house, and a collection agency that I’m terrified to even speak with because in savings I have -1$ and in checking I have $13 and no money on me. Now my friends said that her psychologist said Its best if I leave, because she thinks I’m using her, and that maybe it’s best if I go to a homeless shelter. Before I moved in with my friend who I stayed with for 10 weeks I bought a cardboard box cutter. I couldn’t find any razor blades. I’m scared that death is painful, but feel like a cat cornered. I have no money, bills coming out of the woodworks, and my only options are to live at a homeless shelter, with my cousin who said I tried to kill my mom, or kill myself. I don’t want to die, but I’m really starting to feel like I have no choice. There’s no way I’d tell any of this to my aunt or anyone in my family. I don’t really feel very close to them (they’re the ones who originally suggested I go to a homeless shelter) and fear that they’d try to institutionalize me. I can’t even see my therapist anymore or pay her my last bill because of how things are.

Not sure if I’ll be able to check this, typed this up yesterday, and going back to my home today with no utilities and no guess as to what’s gonna happen. Might be able to find some wifi from a neighbor to check this, but probably not, couldn’t find anything last time I had to sit on my doorstep waiting for a friend to come pick me up… :/