Tired.

So along the years I’ve been dealing with dysthymic depression, avoidant personality disorder and probably some type of anxiety. It’s been hard to overcome these things without meds or counseling but i’ve kind of done it…

Well I found out I was pregnant about two to three months ago, just as my relationship with my parents was starting to be okay again. Mu boyfriend who I’ve been dating on and off for three years broke up with me the same day I found out I was…but in the morning. I found out I was pregnant in the evening. He and I had been broken up for a couple weeks because I thought i wasn’t happy and I found a new guy, we hooked up and now I’m carrying his kid. My ex that I love and says he loves me said he broke up with me because we need to get our lives together in order for it to work…he proceeds to date this other girl who lives out of town and spends the last of his money seeing her instead of getting a job. The guy that got me pregnant didn’t want to take any responsibility so I’m not talking to him and I’m doing adoption…my parents seem to think it’s okay to basically not give me any help at all and say that it’s their job to take care of my little brother, not me.  They pretty much established that though when they kicked me out after high school for not wanting to go to college right away because I didn’t want to waste money on classes when I didn’t even know what I wanted to do.

I haven’t felt this shitty in a long time…I thought i finally kicked my old habits but it’s getting harder and harder to not start cutting and using drugs again, even though I’m pregnant. I mean I found a job…but I still feel so empty all the time. I sleep pretty much all day and when I’m not asleep I play video games to keep myself occupied…I don’t really feel like seeing anyone and the one person I do want to see…who is my ex…just acts distant all the time because his new girl dumped him a little over a week ago…

I feel like I don’t have anyone to really support me emotionally anymore. I’m really sick of feeling like shit all the time because of him and everyone else around me. I haven’t considered suicide seriously for a long long time but I feel like everything is getting to be too much…and I mean he promised he’d always be there for me…but when I wanna see him it’s always ‘well I don’t know what I’m doing’

See he likes to make sure there’s absolutely nothing else to do first before making plans with me…over the years he’s always told me he wants to be with me and maybe marry me someday and I know it’s stupid…and finally when I believe him and wanna try he says he doesn’t know what he wants anymore. He’s all bent out of shape over this girl he practically just met. I’m really done getting fucked over. I don’t even care if it hurts him if I’m dead. He can burn in hell for making me feel like this.