I feel so alone all the time, even with a house full of people and even then, more so. Â I don’t know what to do. Â I don’t want to kill myself but I can’t stand being here sometimes. Â I have had four beautiful children in which one has passed away years ago and feel that I have dealt with that for the majority of it but still end up feeling like their better off without me at times. Â I don’t want them to lead lives where their mother committed suicide, I love them deeply and want the best. Â Sometimes though even the alternative of suicide seems better because I am always sad, I try to hide it but I do it behind alcohol most of the time now. Â I spill my heart out to my husband and sometimes I think or thought he was listening and he reassures me but then other times he completely contradicts what he has said in the past or just walks on by and plays video games. Â Love me one day turn around the next and hate me for a year, then tell me he was completely wrong for that duration of time! Â I am losing my mind and nothing makes since and I’m scared because I have attempted suicide in the past by jumping out a window with a cord around my neck. Â I feel like that now but I have children to think about, I did then too though and that’s what scares me. Â That moment that you have and take the oppurtunity, but I don’t want it. Â Didn’t want it then but it still happened because there’s that MOMENT that is stronger than anything. There’s something wrong with me and no matter what I’ve done to try to resolve my issues it doesn’t seem to work and when I can’t think that things can possibly get worse, they do. Â I should have learned that concept earlier since my husband has said it to me frequently.
It some aspect I feel good for at least reaching out and using any resource available to help, like this site, but then it also makes me feel weak because if those around me don’t care and they supposedly love me what chance of help to I have here? Â I hate everything.
6 comments
It’s never to late to make changes… If you have made a lot of changes and things don’t seem to be improving, there is nothing wrong with reaching out for help. Taking care of a family is no easy task… and I can only imagine how the loss of a child can feel. It sounds like your husband loves you… and perhaps, when he doesn’t respond, he simply doesn’t know what to sat at that moment… but it doesn’t take away any of his love for you. You mentioned that you love deeply and want the best. Your heart is in the right place… With that, you can accomplish a lot. Perhaps you haven’t fully moved on from the loss of your child… Maybe there are other situations taking place. There is help out there.
This is so funny that you have responded to me and so quickly because just this morning I was telling my husband about how I originally thought this site could not help but I saw the postings from Blueberrysman and your effort and insight on issues. You are right and I tell myself the words that you just wrote everyday and I guess that is what keeps me going but the struggle is heart wrenching and I’m sick of being a burden.
Also, I had thought in the past that I had gotten over my sons death but when my husband starting seeing another women for the length of a year and told her and accused me for his death it all came back on top of dealing with the affair. I try to deal, understanding why someone can be angry and placing blame when there is no other explanation but it still hurts. I feel like I am trying to deal with reasons to die on top of reasons to die. I still feel like I can handle it as long as the pain is there but I have full knowledge of that, “moment” everything you’ve worked so hard for goes out the window, literally.
Thankyou, Distant.road
I understand the daily struggle… ‘Struggle’ and I have gotten to be close… and I want you to know that you’re not a burden. The loss of a child, the affair, a marriage in trouble… All of those events can take a toll. They can also snowball over time… and make it that much harder to resolve.
Raising a family takes a lot of effort… and I could probably suggest that you and your husband are the glue that helps keep things together. Things may seem overwhelming… and I’m certain there is a lot going on… but please don’t let the tough times discredit you. Everyday, you wake up and try your hardest… That’s giving your 110%. Maybe there will come a time where you reach out for guidance… There’s nothing wrong with that. Anything you can do to keep the family moving forward is time well spent.
Right now, the pain is there… and I hope that the pain can be minimized. While I know you can handle the pain… Nobody should have to deal with it non-stop. That affects quality of life… which affects everything else.
Your husband and children do not take you for granted. Emotions are not like radio signals that you can send to people and they instantly know how you feel, otherwise it would be easy. If you hurt yourself you will inflict a state of anguish on them that words would not describe. You are not alone. I feel the same, even as I type this. You have already achieved so much and although the loss of a child can be painful, you still have a wonderful family.
My nan is the matriarch of our family and even at 80 she’s still defiant. People talk about stories of tragedy, that’s nothing. This women still supports the family because that’s what she values. You can do the same.
Her sister was murdered, her brother was shot dead in the Golden Temple in 1984, both her sons died in childhood, her daughter was born deaf, her husband had a stroke and was bedridden for the latter part of his life, conned, defrauded, life threatening illness, if I listed everything it would fit on this page.
The point is, each time tragedy occurs take comfort in your family. Even if they don’t understand as long as you do, smile and the good times will return.