I wonder

Sometimes I wonder if life is really worth it. I mean, you grow up, you work, you pay off a government that doesn’t do jack sh*t for you, and you do that till you die. Why not just end it?
I can’t think right now. Ever since I cried that last time, when I found out James died, I feel as though I’m walking without purpose. I shouldn’t… I have a wonderful boyfriend. Amazing friends. Even though there’s still a lot of drama going on… with my friends… shouldn’t I be… well… more? More of anything… right now I feel like nothing.
My boyfriend always calls himself a loser. I don’t believe it. If anything I’m the loser, for being a pathetic, whining, cutting, idiot who can’t see what’s in front of her till it’s too late.
James, I’d give anything to talk with you one last time. Set things straight. But no. That’s not possible anymore.
I want to die. Maybe then I’d be able to talk with you again.
If I die, I can’t run away anymore. I have to face everything. That’s what I need, no other options but to face everything I’ve done.
Now I wonder when I should do it.
But I keep stopping myself, thinking of my boyfriend and my ex-girlfriend. They wouldn’t want me to. The others wouldn’t either.
I feel like they’re voices in my head, never ceasing to speak.
My ex-girlfriend… she kinda makes me want to just go ahead and do it. I don’t think she realizes it but she’s very manipulating. And it’s annoying me to death. Literally. I want to put a gun in my mouth and shoot every time she starts that up.
My boyfriend… I’m so glad someone like him exists. He’s amazing. But I don’t think I’m good enough for him…

What am I even doing, writing this right now? I’m crazy. No one wants to hear my inner monologue.