I’m exhausted from the complete emptiness I feel. I have failed at so much in life (I appear realitivly accomplished) But I know the truth, I know the unforgivable mistakes I have made. I know the complete inability I have to help my children (young adults) not repeat, not suffer. I know the depth of how far off the mark I am to reaching any inner peace. I want to just pull the lever, hop off the bus, and lay down in front of it. The only thing that has stopped my exit is not knowing how severely it may affect my son, daughter, granddaughter husband and parents. I want to start preparing them…ease them so that it will not be such a difficult thing for them to accept. I wonder if that could be the one thing I could succeed at?
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What stuck out to me the most was “I know the depth of how far off the mark I am to reaching any inner peace”. Some people don’t understand their problems or can’t really explain what is bothering them. Based on how you worded that it sounds to me like you might have some understanding of what you wish you could change. If you can identify how unhappy you are, and you know exactly how far you are from the goal of inner peace, then you must have some idea about what it would take to get you there. Maybe you could find the strength to start working towards those things.
That’s how I feel right now. I’m miserable, suicidal, but I can daydream about a handful of things I could try to accomplish that would make me feel a lot better, but so far all I can find the energy to do is day dream, I haven’t started doing any of the hard work yet, and I’m not sure if I ever will.
You have a husband and children and a family. Some of us here are so entirely alone that it hurts. It’s a pretty obvious reminder of how terrible you are when you sit in an empty apartment all day. Someone loved you enough to create children with you. These should be reasons to keep going.
As much as we want it, perfection isn’t reasonable. Failures aren’t the end all, they are a learning experience. We fall, get up, and continue to grow. Oddly, to deny your children suffering is to rob them of life experience. Be there to cushion its fallout. Hopefully they’ll grow to see you as a heck of a mom/grandma.
In your case I’d recommend seeing if you can figure out a way to get yourself back on track.
Having the level of self awareness as you have should make a good first step in working towards your goals.
Nothing wrong with trying to keep your children from repeating your mistakes.
Because the smartest people learn by observation and not experience.
Especially when it comes down to experiences that cause pain.
And having been a father I know that children learn very well by example.
Now if you really want to end things, then I would be a hypocrite not to respect your decision. Your family will be devastated by your loss. Especially since you have an active relationship with them.
Nice post…touching stuff! Part of why your empty is you’ve given all of yourself away to your children, and husband not considering what you need to be fulfilled and content.
It takes conscious focus and intention to provide well being for yourself. It is paramount you take time for yourself and be selfish about it. Selfishness with respect to your well being and health is huge! As you know, what you have externally means nothing if you ‘re not at peace within yourself.
Sounds like you need to re-establish some kind of healthy relationship with yourself. The #1 regret for those about to cross over is they lived their lives for everyone and didn’t have the courage to live, breathe, and simply be for themselves. So that’s what I would encourage you to focus on. If you’re going to do something for anyone…find a way that makes it fun and intend to be doing it for yourself. You so deserve peace and happiness and it’s not your fault…it’s just through our fast paced lives we never get taught or get the chance to learn how to do it.
You may want to check out my blog angelicflight.wordpress.com There’s some good info that will definitely help you. The Way Of The Peaceful Warrior is a great book. On the blog is a breathing exercise to calm you. But if you’re going to pursue any help for yourself intend to have fun…we’re all too serious in life…myself included and I have to consciously choose to have fun…Whatever you want..make the choice…you want peace…choose it NOW. There are no destinations in life, we’re all on a journey here…so journey with peace, unconditional love and appreciation for YOURSELF with courage. It is a choice. The writings in the blog may shift your perspective. Go easy and slow with yourself. You’re too deserving of peace and beating on yourself doesn’t help…it’s learned behaviour, so it’s not your fault. Take good care and be well!