eat, drink, be better

It’s been a month or more. things have been better i guess. to say that i’m suicidal now isn’t entirely true. i’m not even sure if i ever was. I tried it a couple times, yea, but were they really that serious? i have a hard time inflicting self harm.. i still love the thought of being nonexistant though. i’ve read a few stories on here tonight that really made me think. thanks for that

The smallest things can make a person depressed. i guess my story isn’t the only one full of wonderful things. i couldn’t ask for a better life really.. i just don’t think i deserve it. i’m trying to be better. Higher education is good, right? But i guess me being so depressed and having such dark thoughts make me feel more like a ‘failure’.. some people are going through some seriously messed up stuff but still get through it. i can’t help how i feel though, you know? i don’t ask to feel this way. depression is a tough fish to fry. i really don’t understand it.

Those severe cases of depression just appear out of  nowhere. i still wouldn’t mind being run over by a truck. it would make all my problems go away. but imperfections are so interesting sometimes. i would love to sit down and study them but i wouldn’t know where to start. More or less, what i’m trying to express this whole time (and i’m surprised if any of you are still reading this at this point.. thanks) is that, maybe not my life, but me as a human being, am so meaningless.

Or maybe i have no idea what i’m trying to say. Sorry to those of you who wasted the time trying to understand what i’m trying to say.. i guess it goes to show how messed up in the head i am. i need some help. i need someone. i just needed to write a few (many) words about how i’m feeling. thank you so much

The worst part about tonight is i sat on my futon doing absolutely nothing. All day, i really wanted to zone out and watch some movies.. the ones with lots of really vibrant colors that the “average person” might not understand. ones about wild romance, slow and sad storylines, and the ones that make me feel like there’s somebody else out there that understands me.. even just a little bit