I recently learnt that my dad, a police officer, suffered from PTSD after seeing a woman stabbed to death. Apparently, the thing that kept coming back to him was the sound she made as she was dying. This sound was linked back to a noise I apparently made as a 1 year old, when I had a fit and almost died. My almost-death was apparently the worst memory for him and tested his mental health.
I can’t imagine what my real death might cause.
So I can’t do it to him.
I can’t even think about it now.
I love my family far too much to destroy them in this way.
I have to be strong for him. I can’t let myself hurt the people I love so much. It won’t be easy to shut out the dark thoughts, but I have to do it for them all.
I have to force myself back into life.
So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to have to stop being so afraid of failure and rejection. I’m going to have to dance around to happy music and call friends when I feel low and suicidal. I’m going to have to force myself out of bed on my worst days. I’m going to have to stop myself thinking of suicide as my answer to almost every impossible thing.
I am going to have to live and try to find a place and a purpose in this life.
Because my release will bring about far more pain than I am carrying.
And I can’t do that to them.
4 comments
Good for you. Having a reason to live is always a blessing.
Family is a good reason to live. Especially when there is a lot of love for each other.
You are an amazing person. I’m happy that you decided to choose life. I was/still am in the same situation as you. My mother took her life and now my dad is all alone and we only have each other. So we have to take care of our families. Suicide kills more than 1 person. It kills everyone around them. If you can’t live your life for yourself do it for you family. And I’m so glad that you decided to do that. It takes a lot of strength to do what you did. Don’t ever forget that you made an honorable decision.
best of luck, you can always talk to me if you need someone to lean on. stay strong.
Life and death is no plaything for your dad nor for you and you would be missed so very very much…that is a seriously beautiful connection and one that clearly gives you strength with which to carry on and in time make many more vial connections to living your life. Thank you for sharing that ray of light.