That was what I typed in on google and I’ve found this. My story is definitely not worse than yours. It’s probably better. I probably have a great life with great parents and great siblings. Yet….
I’m a coward. I said it. I don’t even have the guts to cut myself. Why? Because I feel guilt. My mother and father shed blood and tears for me to live a better life than theirs. So I don’t cut myself.
So instead, I lie.
Because I’m a coward.
I lie to the world with my facial expressions, my posture, and polite greetings. They say I’m the perfect daughter. The perfect girl. The perfect little church girl.
But they don’t know. They don’t know I’m tainted.
See, right now I can’t even tell you why I’m tainted. Because I’m a coward.
Everyday I sit in front of this computer (I homeschool online) while my back hunches forward, a sign of lack of pride. I was once the shining girl, talking and not minding what my friends say. But I’m in another country. No friends. No one to talk to. I’ve tried to facebook my old friends and sister who is in college. No reply. I guess I now know that they never really cared about me.
I feel so alone. Each day I want to disappear. Become invisible. I just want to get away from this life.
Every night I look at the starless sky and I wish. Wish for a miracle.
As I fall deeper into depression, my parents try their best to bring me up. Spoiling me even though we are poor. And although I get excited by the rabbit, the piano, the Xbox Kinect, the nice mattress, I stake myself in the heart. I hate this. I hate this. Don’t love a person like me! Someone who lies straight to your faces without a twitch. Just leave me alone so I can disappear…
But I know life isn’t like this.
I know I can’t disappear.
The only way to disappear is to either run away or suicide.
But I’m a coward. I can’t do both.
So everyday I struggle and I feel myself falling closer to insanity.
Even right now my mother is singing in the kitchen, “You can do it~ you are my smartest cutest youngest daughter… I love you”
And I cry. Because I’m writing this.
Because I want to disappear and kill myself.
Kill the life my mother and father love so much.
So what can I do but rant? To ask for forgiveness in an anonymous name?
So I wanted to express all my loneliness, my rage, my guilt to this site. Because after this I’m going to try. Again. Probably my 10th time this year. You see, I’m supposed to be working on my studies online, but instead I usually play games, watch videos, etc. But then I would become so disgusted with myself due to the fact I was once a top student in my public school and I would seek forgiveness and repent. But then I would do it again. This has been going on for 7 months.
I hope this is my last time.
I hope.
I wish.
I pray.
So please.
I’ve got to fight. Don’t bring me down. Please… please.
Leave me alone so I can be my once pure self.
Please let me succeed.