I’m new to this.

I wanted to kill myself today. I’ve been thinking about it for months, if not years; but after some research I found out I don’t have enough hydrocodone to do more than make me sick.

I wasn’t physically abused as a child, but there was always verbal and emotional abuse. As I got older I let guys do with me almost whatever they wanted. Until New Year’s Eve this year when one of my best friends raped me.

And no one at home believes me, except for my immediate family, and the nurses who did my rape kit. The police officer told me what I did was stupid and that I was probably just ashamed that I had cheated on my boyfriend.

I know that isn’t true. I know what happened to me. But even my boyfriend has doubts, even if he doesn’t want to tell me. Even if he wants to try to be supportive.

We’re five time zones apart; I’ve been studying in another country since two weeks after New Year’s, and these have been the most difficult months of my life. I have no friends, no support here. It’s too expensive to talk to my boyfriend as much as I’d like, and my sister’s new job prevents her from talking with me more than once or twice a month. Even then she doesn’t have time.

No one has time for me. No one wants to listen to what I have to say. I wish I had just kept my mouth shut about everything. I wish I had slashed my arms in the shower that morning like I had wanted.