i am tired of being scared all the time..feeling what others feel. i am tired of being worthless….i am tired of being scared to hurt people that invested too much in me………………..i am nothing but an accident. why cant i just seize t to exists. i cant even kill myself without feeling guilt….either i am too coward or i scared of being selfish and hurt people that did there best to give me what they could……….i use to love nature and life ..i have a beautiful girl that i think is in love with me……but i am in constant fear of rejection….i am tired of nothing being able to meet expectation, i don’t want to be disappointment. i there is a good possibility that i might turn to evil person ..which even the thought of it torment me.
probably, i am as wired as it gets…………i am malfunctioning human being. i hate myself for being this weak. why i am put on this earth? Rejection……..god i am tired.
i will try not to decide on this matter …because usually when i decide i tend to be stubborn about it……… don’t even think about psychiatric i am usually figure out what they think before they offer their advice..and eventhough i am not proud of it ..i can play with them like dolls…you see my talent is nothing but evil.. decide, to mention one…i can easily deceive .
conclusion, i can understand myself , let alone someone else…maybe the best thing i can do this earth is to extract myself from it.
2 comments
Seems like you are a pretty self aware guy.
And your fear and guilt are just human emotions.
Most of us have them at some time or another.
If you did not have either you would probably be a superb criminal or already dead from doing risky things.
Nobody is evil on their own. It is their reaction couipled with all that has happened to them up until that point.
Course since you can play psychologists I’m not telling you anything you do not already know.
You have quite a few roads to choose from. To try to enjoy the company of your girl and the people who have sacrificed for you and to get your love of nature and life back.
Or use your skills of deception and intelligence to rise high on the socioeconomic ladder like others do all te time.
Or a combo of both.
i really do appreciate that you are taking time to read the garbage i wrote…….. i didn’t not mean for somebody to read what i wrote i just wanted to write something… i have tried to dig deeper in every possible thing i do”BE ORIGINAL” ….i must confess, the one thing that has kept me to go on is the belief that i am good, i will never try to hurt a single soul, of course in respect to Plato’s ethics belief, but sometimes the world around me force me to be deceptive, shroud and cunning…which i have struggled to my best not to be, and these things comes natural to me, that scares me like hell.
i am not interested in climbing high in social status but my father sees me nothing less than a PhD, even though i have never failed to understand abstract concepts that alone will not insure success and sometimes i feel this is not going to happen without bumping here and there, i am studying masters now and it doesn’t take a genius to notice i am not doing well…….GOD is my witness, for reason i cant comprehend . Now, comes my worst night mare he and others will be ashamed in front of their friends…. his most genius son has turned out to be merely an idiot who cant even survive grad school, let alone to contribute(these might seem odd to you but where i come from the mockery is worse than you can imagine)…… ……..Now i would gladly die rather than seeing my loved once to be subjected to mockery ..maybe that way i would make my exit more elegant
have you ever felt like that there is one thing that you can do…one thing that makes you who you are? i have my innocence that i guarded so preciously…………..but i don’t think i can anymore..i don’t think i will…………my best hope is that i am exaggerating the situation i am into, which i usually do, so like i said i will at least wait till august to decide…..then we shall see what i am made off…a coward, completely deceptive even to myself, or will be a as i always believe i am and stick to my decision
don’t let me boar you with my mambo jumbo…………..thank you even though i don’t know you….thank you for reading me….: AS a gift read Dostoevsky’s crime and punishment…..even better the brother Karamazov; a glimpse into self contradiction.