Time tick tocks away, I wish it would freeze till I sort out things, as I panick with frustration, So much work to do, so many things on my mind. I don’t know what I should be doing. I have so much cyber school work, im so behind and I feel screwed, like I am doing very well, but I’m behind and preoccupied with bigger worries , that are actually irrational but I am so paranoid with guilt.
My one and only friend wish I secretly wish would disappear (not die, just move away or something). I honestly feel so uncomfortable around her because I haven’t really had closure with her( admitting to her my social/school problems). She only knows I’m in cyber school (I told her via txt)
I really didn’t explain why except that I was diagnosed with ADHD and was doing poorly in school academically, which wasn’t the real reason. (She might know the real reason via her dad because he knows)…The reason is my social awkwardness in school, (lack of friends due to me alienating them due to depression, selective mutism, uninterested in relations.)
But I don’t have the courage to tell her , I feel so embaressed. Im certain she knows shes my only real friend. I really hate when she txts, I feel like its an opportunity the tell her my feelings but I hate talking about feelings it makes me feel sick and exposed.Its so awkward when theres nothing to say to her, leaving empty silences that should be filled with what I should say. I’ve been wanting to restart my life for a really long time now (Im almost 18)
She is basically my only ‘social life’. DO you think that her dad (who is very close to my family)would have explained to her what im going through? I think he would have. I just want out. I have been procrastinating with school work because I can’t concentrate and I need something stimulating. I feel so guilty all the time. I am seeing a psychologist, which I really hate sharing my feelings, makes me feel worse. My heart is always racing, I have so many issues, i am extremely oversensitive, I cry easily. I can be mistaken for a happy, pretty girl but inside I’m screaming.
God. Please help. me . I cant calm down no matter what I do. I realize I am most likely overreacting but I can’t help it is automatic.
I wish i could tell the world how I feel. They would hug me. But I don’t know how to tell my best friend. Is it okay if I withhold the truth? I cannot go back to public school unless its in a totally different area, do to how paranoid I am. I feel so bad all the time. If only people could know what i go through everyday, how stressed I am , how confused I am. the way I think. THey will never truly understand. To them I come across as lazy, like i just don’t care, coward, but in actuality I wish I could care less! and I am actually so brave.
The only things stopping me from giving up is that I don’t know how to, and I don’t wanna hurt anyone, and I’m scared of dieing.
I constantly think about running away but I don’t know where to go, and the thought of it scares me more than facing my problems.
Words cannot convey what I want to get across.
I need someone who understands, I know you all are struggling but my struggles seem so unique. SO tired I cannot sleep legit. My circadian rhythm is fcked. CAN someone tell me ways to cope, diffferent ways of looking at my life, different perpectives, similar stuggles?
Can some one please tell my how to not give so much of a **** please, sorry im just trying to get this out, i am scared.
I feel like times flying by and I haven’t accomplished anything productive. I have 2 months left to finish my school work/test exams and Im hardly half way throught the cirriculum. I am screwed, I know I could in theory do it but im so emotionally physically exhausted i feel like my basic wellbeing needs priority over education. I love to let off all this steam here an show the world that there are all sorts of real struggles that everyone is facing. I feel so overwhelmed I want out. I am so fcking different, different good i suppose, but makes it fucking hard to relate to the world,but I probably wont give up, I love myself to much. Strangeness is beauty <3
Thankyou x infinity for listening> good luck to you all. Stay strong<3
3 comments
ok. You are distracted, anxious and isolated at this stage, and facing an enormous amount of school work. Your distraction doesn’t allow you to focus, and your school work is causing you an awful amount of stress, and this stress is wearing you out physically. You need to break that vicious circle. You need some coping mechanisms, a structure, a schedule, some deadlines, and someone who is there for you supporting you and making sure that you are on track. You can’t possibly do that on your own. You need also to have some realistic projections on how much you can accomplish, and how. You have a psychologist, so try to make the best out of that. Trust me, you can do it. It won’t be pain free, but you can overcome. good luck.
Thankyou I have all that which I am greatful to have, if only I wasn’t so dang selfish, cowardly and lazy to actually make an effort.
You sound like an absolutely wonderful person. My only suggestion is that you be as open as you are comfortable with with your best friend. I can tell in the way that you write that you’re brilliant. I hope you believe that. If you ever want to talk, I’m here to listen. paddigtonsgrl@gmail.com