Last week was horrible. I thought my life was over. I don’t know why it came to this but I could guess it was that  I just had enough of life. I wanted nothing more than to die. Sure I felt bad for the three people that I actually cared if I hurt them ,but once it was done there would be no turning back sure they might get hurt but that would pass. If you saw me now you would think I was lying. At the time I look happy but it’s all an act for the sake of my little brother who happens to be the third most horrible person I have ever been so unlucky enough to meet. The first person would be my demon babysitter from hell whom watched over me from when I was 6 years old to when i was at the age of 10. The scares run deep and have effected me dramatically ever since. Sure she may have abused every other kid who walked through her door, but she had an utter hatred of me because I refused to call her Grandma Joyce. So since day one every day was a living hell i would get physical abuse from her during the day then go home get grounded and emotional and mental abuse from my dad.  A couple times that has even turned into physical abuse. My brother is his good son, the one who likes football and has friends. The only friends i could get are rejects who are nice but they don’t please my parents. My mom just rolls with what ever my dad does. He intimidates everyone who he talks to he has the say something wrong and I will kill you look in his eyes. He calls my mom a **** and a ***** on a regular basis. She just takes it as she deserves it and when he calls me a dick, asshole, loser, and etc. He has lowered myself esteem to 10% or lower I am almost impossible to talk to in person. I have started to believe every thing he has ever said to me which makes me feel worse. My best friend is a sophomore so i don’t get to talk to her much because I am only in 8th grade. I am addicted to cutting and burning myself. I first attempted suicide when I was 8. I wish i would have gone through with it. I blame myself for not being strong enough to finish myself off. Years later me being 14 now. I tried again on 4/9/12 by drinking rubbing alcohol. I started out only drinking about a spoon full the first day before I went to bed. The next day I felt guilty because me and my friend Ashton were getting closer and I trusted her.  So I told her and she just added to my guilt because she made me feel like Ihad to tell her everything and her friend magically found out and Ashton made me show her friend my cuts. i felt like she was putting me on display so people would think I had issues. Later she told me she had been crying and everyone was around her asking what was wrong. I know i should have felt bad but it only made me frustrated.  I couldn’t believe that she was using my depression to get attention. And she got a lot her being a popular girl and all. She got so many people feeling bad for her. I felt like i could trust no one and so by this time there were only two people making me feel bad for my thoughts of suicide. That night I tried again drinking rubbing alcohol until i almost puked. Before going to bed i wrote a four page suicide letter saying I was sorry to everyone i could remember that actually cared about me. The note included The Bishops (my best friend Justice’s family), My old friends who are currently mad at me but try to be nice Hailey (Justice’s sister) Michelle (my ex-girl friend) and Baylie, my math teacher, Trinity (the guy I like who is also currently my best friend), and that’s about it then I just explained why I was committing suicide and that i just couldn’t handle life anymore. I remember getting tired and falling asleep. The next day when I woke up I remember being disappointed because I was alive. Disappointment lead me to burning myself again. It hurt but i was fine with it and it help take away some of my pain. Then a girl I knew saw my burns and said oh that is surprising. I asked what she meant and she said me too and showed me her wrist. She had a big long black scar on her wrist and it surprised me a little then she told me how she did it. She told me she used her mom’s razor blade. I quickly covered my wrist with my sleeve and we didn’t say anything more. I knew she had been depressed before. She lives with her cousins. Her mom is dead, and her dad is in jail. They write to each other but don’t seem close. That night i toke a razor out of the bathroom drawer. I then took it to my room and broke the blades out. After that i threw the rest of it away. Then i cut my wrist with it and went to bed. Wednesday came and  I had a choir concert. I had a good time I guess. Trinity and me spent the day talking and listening to other choirs then we sang and just hearing his voice make me feel like the world is perfect and there was no other place that I would have rather been. While we were at the festival I kept touching my wrist on accident or bumping it on things. It made me want to throw up, and the pain was horrible. That night I threw my suicide note away. Thursday came and I still felt depressed so I cut again. Then I didn’t have school Friday so me and my brother fought all day. Then the weekend was lonely because I stay in my room most of the time. Then I went to school Monday and Tuesday and just felt numb and emotionless. I guess you could say the only time that I really felt happiness this week was when I sat by Trinity at lunch. I hit Rock bottom last week. Right when I thought I was doing better i found out a girl at school who has never done anything wrong to me was depressed. She asked me if cutting helped. I didn’t want her to cut but i also didn’t want to lie to her. So I just told her it helped but I heard that drawing can help replace the cuts(which I did hear). Now it is Thursday and I have been singing and drawing to let out some emotion. Well now your caught up and all I really want is someone to talk to and some help, or advice.
Thank you for reading
Lenkagamine3312
12 comments
Hey, I’m sorry you have to go through that all. I hit rock bottom 2 months ago where I tried committing suicide twice within 48 hrs. I almost succeeded but I didn’t and was very disappointed. My two best friends told on me and I was sent to the hospital the next day. I barely have any friends and am losing the ones I do have. I guess that is happening to us all. Nobody can deal with us. I am hear to talk though.
Thank you for caring Ashton told a teacher and i had to talk to a Councillor and a cop then they called my dad and so i just lied my way out of it and ended up without help
so i guess our stories are pretty close to being the same
Pretty much although I’m slightly older though that doesn’t matter. I had my best friend stab my in the back while I was in rock bottom. Still hurts really bad….haven’t talked to her in over a month. I’m on antidepressants but I still cut. I have tried burning my ankles a couple of times but it never really worked.
i tried to burn my wrist with a light bulb but it was so painful and i couldn’t hold it there long enough when i burned my wrist successfully i just scratched it over and over again in the same spot until i broke skin and then a little after that it hurt so bad an stings for a long time but it took my mind off of suicide so i guess it worked.
Cutting works for me sometimes. There were nights before I was in the hospital that I would stay up late (nights are always the worst) and I would continue to cut. Then I tried committing suicide. I still remember those nights vividly. Now I am still depressed, cutting is worse, I started drugs, my friends are leaving me. But I can’t cut myself all the time because after being hospitalized my parents locked up all my blades, so I only get to cut on certain days or times.
I made a kit with all the things i need depending on how i want to clear my mind of pain and i have told no one what it is and i made it look like a crayon bock that most elementary students would carry their pencils and almost everything they would need than i made it so no one could see through it by covering the inside with paper inside it has tape sticky notes to make a suicide note if i decide to take cutting farther than i intended 3 razor blades a sharpie two pens a pencil grip a small back with toilet paper to clean up it also holds the razor blades and another note pad just in case i have a lot to say
Wow. I broke my razor into three blades and kept one with me and the other two hiding at home. Well until a month ago.
Hey Lenkagamine; It’s Nobody again… I’m not going to try to give you false advice because I can’t even take my own, but I am very sorry you had to go through all that. I’m really glad I found this site because I can relate to so much of you. I started to show my depression at school and teachers noticed. They reported it to the office administrators and I ended up being forced to talk to a social worker. What she doesn’t understand is that “help” for me is just listening- her advice always comes out “wrong”… Anyhow, you’re not alone in this. I’ve hit rock bottom as well last week when my friend got kidnapped. She’s now been missing for more than 48 hours and I worry for her much more than worrying about my own life. That crisis for me put my suicidal tendencies on “pause” because i’m thinking that my friend could be fighting for her own life! Yet I want to end my life with just a single cut to the wrist. Haven’t that said, (sorry about my self-absorbed rant there), i’ll be here to talk- I have insomnia at the moment so i’ll be reading every word you type if you’re up to it.
sorry for me being gone for awhile things have gotten worse but were good for awhile and the rant is okay reading it made me see a sliver of hope
Lenkagamine,
Please accept help.
The longer you wait the harder it wil be.
You should not suffer in the darkness like that.
Ashton cared so she let it be known.
Obviously she wants you around and pain free.
talking to adults or counselors doesn’t help me for some reason just makes me feel like i have even more problems than i can even imagine