Today at school people were joking and pretending I’m suicidal because I made a thoughtless yet jokey comment about my life having no purpose.
Their teasing made me laugh a bit.
Because they don’t know how right they are at times, which is entertaining.
They’re aware of my darkest secret without realising the truth of it, that it wasn’t just a joke.
They don’t know that throughout my History lesson today, I was considering what to write in a suicide note.
It’s not like I’m likely to actually do it today, or tomorrow, or next year and it’s likely I’ll never need it, but it seems like something that should be done just in case.
It doesn’t bother me that they don’t know how I feel, though.
I’m pleased about that, actually.
If people knew, the option of suicide would be taken away from me.
If nobody knows, nobody can stop me should I decide to do it.
If people did know, they’d automatically judge and label me which would make me more likely to go through with it.
I often wonder how many people there are who feel like I do.
I can’t be the only one, and it scares me that other people feel this way and might not be as okay as I am.
Because I am okay, that is the truth.
I might be going crazy, but I can manage it and hide it okay.
I might be suicidal, but it’s more of a comforting yet final option to me than the only way forward.
I might get crazily sad, but I haven’t done anything drastic.
I’m honestly okay and if I told people I was ‘feeling suicidal but okay’ they wouldn’t believe me.
5 comments
Hey i know exactly how you feel!
No, no one would believe you. Once they hear suicidal they think you are in danger. Same with cutting, people will think that you are gonan kill yourself. People assume things when they hear certain words or associate words with other meanings.
There are many people who feel the way you do, and others are in worse posisions. I know what you mean about people joking around saying that you are suicidal because I deal with that everyday. They tell me that I do drugs (jokingly) and that I drink and cut and am suicidal, but what they don’t know is that I really do and am those things. I am happy to hear that you are ok, because I feel for so many people that feel the way I do. I wish no one had these feelings EVER. They are horrible.
They are just uncomfortable and steeling themselves (or so they think) by putting it on you but really they are just weaking their own core resiliance while you face difficult feelings head on. Stronger folk wouldn’t react that way.
If they believed you they may try to get you in a ward or something.
Because if professional help is called and they feel there is an immediate danger steps will be taken.
Of course if you feel you need help then I’d recommend calling yourself.
Most people will think of suicide at least once in their lives, and if someone close to you tried it or succeeded, that will increase the possibility that you will think of committing suicide. But thinking of taking your own life doesn’t mean you are crazy or anything. It’s just a coping response to unchecked inner pain.
Peace