Why do I trust people?

My whole life I wanted to trust people. But all I ever get in return is hate and pain.

I have no friends, I’ve only ever had 2 or 3 at maximum at any given time, but now I am alone. So alone.

Since the third grade I have dreamed of finding a girlfriend, a partner, someone who in their own willingness would find me remotely valuable…something worth more than the dirt I feel every day. I still wander alone…I have never been able to know what it is liked to be loved.

Then she showed up. And all of her problems. I don’t know why, of all the people in the world I met her. I was captivated by her, I felt like after a long cold and dreary trip I found home again. I felt that for once I could be happy, that this is the time in my life where I could grow and be free. Free of all the hate and all the self doubt.

But most of all, I would not be alone.

She came to me, and made it clear she wanted a relationship, or so I thought. Cautiously I tipped towed around her actions, not sure if I should trust her, and not sure what to do. But then I gave in and surrendered my heart to her. I released my last guard. She would playfully tease me, kiss me on the cheek, but when I tried to kiss her back, I was rejected. 3 times. I started to ask her out. She was always busy. I felt so raw and alone, and torn up inside.

I came to realize that while she may have had an intention, internal issues within her made her “not ready” for that sort of thing. As I withdrew myself, I noticed she would do the same playful things towards other guys. I never felt so sick.

Here I am, 4 months later. I tried avoiding her, and I did, but I endured a month of mental torture and sickness. I visited a therapist for that. I made amends but now I find myself longing more then ever to be with her. If I leave her presence I fall into a mental blackhole. But if I stay I endure unneeded torture.

I pray for a miracle. Something to make this work out. Why? Because every other girl I have met gives me a look as if I am the most repulsive person on the planet. In fact, I feel like I do not belong here, but I don’t know where I belong. I am at my lowest, and I am being kicked into the ground

My life is a lonely pit and my grandfather is going to die. I am attached to a poison that make me cry every night. I want to die. I really do. My life is a cloud of sadness and loneliness. I just wish someone cared about me. I wish someone wanted to like me. I would give them everything I have.

I walk a road at night. The snow is falling hard. The ground is covered and the wind is blistering. I pass by these houses, all boarded up. I see such warmth and happiness through the windows. I knock at the door, just maybe I can warm my feet. The door slams on my face. I don’t remember how long I have been down this road, my whole life I think. Finally! O finally someone beckens me closer. I ask to come in. She says wait. My feet are now developing frostbite. I need to move. But maybe the door will open this time.