I was introduced to my depression at a young age, in elementry school. I had ADD, and was given medicine that didn’t help. Wanted to know, why I am like this. My mom told me I had control of it. I think that pressure made me frustrated and unable to focus on learning at school even more, to where I drift off. Just feeling inadequete. I was called names, like retard and stupid. I never recovered from the ADD, so Its not like I could prove anyone otherwise. My mom is deeply religious, and believes that God would take away my problems. THat it was part of his plan. I just cannot believe in things like that as a rule of my own nature. Convincing myself that I am not crazy does not entail taking up religion. Im spiritual.
I went on to middle school, not having any luck with girls. They wanted nothing to really do with me, so if I girl did say something nice, I didn’t know how to put faith in it. I would try to talk to them and see if they would take to me. THey told me to keep my distance. It proves they meant nothing they said. The name calling ensued as well. Regardless the consequences, I wouldn’t feel sorry beating on some !@$%^$ for calling me retarded and trying to kill what sanity I had left. Same with high school. I got more respect in high school. That is a common story with suicidal people. They were popular, but somehow it wasn’t enough to save their soul. All I can tell people about that who are curious, it they are playing a huge sharade. They had tons of issues inside that were too much, but no one else knew. Much like Jr. Sau, from the Miami Dolphins. It doesn’t fit, if no one understands.
This is one thing for me that keeps myself and a lot of people in the closet about their blue feelings. People who don’t have the same problems, are not keen on dealing with them when it is someone else who is. people just put on masks. I do, but I do let the pain bleed through. If I am angry, I let people know by the vibes I put out. Silence.
I am very detached from bonding with people, cause they don’t want down people to cramp their style or rub thir problems off on them. I don’t want to do that. I do want to keep people from becoming at lost as I am. I don’t talk to people in general about attempting to plunge a forign object into my heart after a trumatic moment of abuse. This happened 10 years ago. I did eventually go seek help, but i was put on more drugs that don’t help. Next time, Im just gonna stop them in the middle of writing a perscription and say “lets try electro shock.” It is the one treatment that is known to work, and its right up my alley. 1.8% people have died doing it, by a fluke. For me its either die miserable, or die being cured. may not seem like a whole lot to become suicidal over, well, I have to go to work in the next hour or so, and completely spilling my guts could last till the end of tomorrow. Trust me, there is a lot there. Somethings I don’t want to talk about.
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You know about the foreign object in the heart thing. I kinda know a precise way but I’m too chicken to do it because it is extremely difficult. You need precision and speed if you are too slow the pain can be agonizing and you may not be able to complete the task. But a long knife or sword thrust into the body at the sixth intercostal space (look it up in a medical textbook for exact location) at a forty five degree angle on the right side of the body will sever the right lung and stab the heart. If you are successful you will be dead in minutes if not your death will be painful, prolonged, or worse you will not die at all just be in severe pain. If you don’t get the angle precisely you will puncture the lung and have immense pain and trouble breathing but you will not die. If you get the angle wrong but shoot too far you will suffocate to death which is one of the worst ways to go. So yeah to have instant death you have to be quick and precise. I know we are not supposed to discuss methods but just wanted to share my thoughts. I wish I could be comforting but I’m not. I too have no friends and people can’t stand me they say I’m selfish and all these years I’m beginning to wonder if that’s true.
Well, thank you Dr. Kovorkian. I was hoping for less pro suicidal advice, and more compassion. That attempt was 10 years ago. I’m trying to get better, but I just want to talk out about my story. See if anyone else has something to say.
I’ve been depressed for a fair bit as well. Feel free to talk more.
I sort of understand the ballpark of your feelings, DMR, to the point that I can support your feelings about wanting to end your life without actually wanting you to. I guess it’s a fine line that might be difficult for most people to understand unless they’ve been so far down for so long that they know what it’s like to have sought help in many ways without seeing improvement. The question is “Why continue living this way?” I don’t know the answer. Only those of us who have wanted to end it all can begin to understand how someone can feel so desolate to even ask the question, I think!