I told my family I wouldn’t…but now I’m not so sure.

I just keep going back to it.  I don’t want drama. I don’t want to inflict pain. I just want it to be over. I’m tired. So very tired.

I wish I could just disappear. Vanish. No residue.

Even writing this right now…I don’t know. I want NO traces, and yet I feel this need to simply express what I am feeling.  To give some release to this incredible pressure I feel inside.

The odd thing is…

the ONE thing that has ever mattered to me, has been accomplished.  Really WELL.  I never knew what I wanted to “do” with my life.  Except for one thing.  The first time I realized that I am female, and therefore could experience the miracle of life coming through me–I was completely entranced.  I wanted to do that.  I wanted to do it well.  I did.

The first one…oh man.  He made me crazy. Mom kept saying “what do you suppose Einstein’s parents felt?”.  And she helped me so much.  He was wonderful–and awful.  I decided I was no good at parenting…so NO MORE!!  Eight years later, I found myself pregnant–with twins.  :/  They were not nearly so difficult, and although life took some difficult turns, they thrived…and are incredible people. They brought so much joy to my life.  And all three of them have grown into absolutely wonderful people. They are on their own, and each seems well-equipped to go forward with their lives.  I don’t want to do anything to mess them up…

But now……

How do I even begin to explain?

Maybe part of it is that my job simply feels “over”.  I just need to get out of the way, now. Suicide is too awful for those who remain–I just want to VANISH. Oh how I wish I could just disappear without a trace. Dissolve into nothingness.

I KNOW that life is miraculous…incredible. And yet…I am just so very very tired. I’ve done it. I saw it. I’ve given it–nurtured it. But it just feels OVER.  I see no point now. I feel like my job is done, and if the only reason to live is for myself, well….then it’s just not worth the effort.

Yeah…I guess I have this (rather ordinary) “complicated story”…but who cares. Poverty…rape…social disaster through school–a subsequent resurgence of self and measures of accomplishment and frustration.  Nothing really new there, from what I can tell.  And I survived. Even thrived somewhat eventually.  But I’ve never really had a very happy life. I’ve always had this tugging weight of depression. Low self-esteem, even though others don’t seem to understand why.

I’ve tried to be a good person. I took care of my parents–dad died in my arms over 10 years ago after I promised him I would make sure mom was ok.  Well–she wasn’t, so I devoted my life to caring for her since then.  I moved in with her for 2 and a half years while she passed through the horrible stages of Alzheimer’s, and finally died a few months ago.  During that time, the last of my children moved from my house, and although my husband was incredibly supportive…our time apart brought into focus some of the insurmountable problems in our life-long marriage.  He has a multitude of issues that affect us both…some of which I can’t begin to decipher.  I’m tired of taking care of people, and just can’t stand to think of what the years ahead might be like.

But the thing I hate more than anything is selfishness–and that’s what this longing for death feels like. I know I can’t accomplish it without hurting those I care the most about…and there is my dilemma.

But I just want OUT.

Make it go away. Just make it all go away, please.

How I wish I could just say “poof” and have it all be over. Without hurting anyone.  I’m just so *#&%$ tired of this pain inside. There is no answer. But “take care of myself”? Hell no.  I’m ready to go. Sooner the better.

No happy ending here.  I’m so sorry it couldn’t be better. I just want release.

Truth is…..I used to be religious…but have “seen the light”. No more. Yes, I was certainly happier then. But there is no turning back. I now know that I know nothing. But I suspect that when it is over…it’s over. And if that’s the case, then bring it on. I think I will eventually be parted permanently from those I love, anyway…so what is the point in delaying the inevitable?

It’s way cool I got to experience life, thank you very much to whoever.  But I don’t think I was really very good at a lot of it.

Enough.

I just want relief.

OK. So now I feel like an ass. In spite of not being religious at all, one of my favorite quotes is by Mother Teresa: “We can not do great things, only small things with great love”.

Very meaningful for me.

And I just opened my “Quote of the day” email, and found another Mother Teresa Quote I couldn’t ignore:

"Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is beauty,
admire it. Life is a dream, realize it. Life is a challenge,
meet it. Life is a duty, complete it. Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life
is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life
is luck, make it. Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it."

-- Mother Teresa 

I was going to just delete this whole thing because I saw no value in it for anyone else, but now it occurs to me that if anyone else can relate to what I just wrote, and then see how this humble woman’s quote was impossible for me to ignore….well.  I guess I will stop talking now and just think about these words which seem to make so much sense.  I hope I can renew myself enough to get through another day, at least.  And maybe someone else can, too.