My story

They say Suicide is a permanent solution to a short term thing, or something like that. I beg to differ, I’ve been pretty depressed for, at least a few years now… I have lost track. Days, weeks, damn… Even years just kind of come together. I have some serious health stuff that can’t actually be fixed, I learned the cold truth, and that is as the years continue and I grow older I will only get worse. I’ll just say it, I have many problems with my spine due to a surgery I had to remove some tumors, and the only way they can fix my spine (At least, attempt to) is a very risky surgery that will undoubtedly paralyze me from the waist down (again, I was able to recover the first time) There is even a risk of being paralyzed from the neck down, how fun…  Its been about 5, almost 6 years since my  initial surgery and it has taken so much from me, I am quite suicidal actually, I don’t want to hurt my family so I won’t ever actually do it, unless something is able to give me that final push off the edge and I just lose it. Luckily there are days when I can laugh, smile, and have fun but just being depressed for even a single minute can make it seem like I have never been happy, or that I never will be again. I’ve never been actually diagnosed, but I don’t need a doctor to tell me what I already know, I’m pretty sure the suicidal thing is enough proof that I do have some form of depression. Honestly, if it weren’t for my mother I probably would be in a much worse state than I am now, although I’m starting to lose hope, and lots of it. Before the thought of my family being hurt by my death was enough to make me snap out of  it, but I feel more and more detached from this world, my interests in the afterlife have increased and I read about it all the time. I’m not a religious man, nor do I care to be but I do believe there is more out there, after this… My curiosity to find out is going to have to wait though, even if I were presented with the perfect situation to end it, I probably wouldn’t do it. I don’t know about others, but I have a natural instinct to just, live, no matter how I am feeling. Who knows, maybe this “miracle” my mother keeps telling me about will finally occur, until then I will just have to wait and see what fate has planned for me, even though I am pretty sure I won’t be able to live a very long life due to my health issues, I’m sure I will last quite awhile, even with my depression becoming so powerful and overwhelming, I’m sure if I had the ability to talk to people about this it would help, but for some reason I just don’t care about getting better, I’ve been like this for far to long and have been sucked into the void of darkness, its pretty comfortable in this darkness… Lately my ability to hide how I feel has deteriorated and people are noticing that something is wrong, but 2 simple words make them go away “I’m fine”. Probably the biggest lie I’ve ever told, and one I tell far to often. I know this was pretty long, just wanted to share some of the things I am going through, and how I feel on the matter. One more thing I should add, is this surgery happened when I was 11, maybe one day it will be better, all I can do it just wait I guess.